After 40 weeks - at the top of the wait-list for Schematherapy

Next week and the week after that I will be attending my introduction to Schematherapy Group Therapy for Cluster C personality disorder: the Avoidant Personality.

I'm quite stressed and nervous about it.

I just don't know what to expect, and what to do.

And the thing is, after a wait-list of 40 weeks it feels like a big deal. Like, subconsciously there's this big manifestation that it's gonna be something special or valuable. Like it raised expectations in anticipation. But I don't want that.

I'm turning 34. I've been dealing with a generalized anxiety disorder all my life. I've been dealing with persistent depression for 20 years or so. And I just feel like 'this' is it. That things will never get better. And before you're gonna tell me that's a defective schema and some sort of child modus, I believe you, I truly do. But it's more like...

I'm not looking for reassurance.. or a promise that things will get better, because that's impossible to give.

I'm not trying to understand what is going on, because that's what I'm about to find out.

It's just. I'm a bit afraid. And very insecure. I've been undergoing CBT since the age of 9. So many talks, psychologists, psychiatrists, medication and antidepressant combinations, I've experienced so many exposure moments. Battling my fears. I've suffered from so many panic attacks.

And right now. I feel alone and vulnerable.

Like I said. I'm turning 34. And feel like I'm missing out on life, but that things will never change. That it will stay this waiting game til my number's up.

I've lost so many loved ones. And though I don't love myself, I've always got the fear of losing myself. Like in depersonalisation. Because my friend checked out of life in a moment of depersonalisation.

And with Schematherapy, you're supposed to really engage in the things you feel. What if I open up a can of worms or whatchamacallit.

I still live at home with my parents. Who are very supportive and close to me. I've got two friends left that I don't see or speak often.

I feel like I have nobody to talk to, to talk things over with, and to vent to, or help me process things or whatever.

I don't know. I'm just scared.