First Timer

I’m not a newcomer to spirituality but I am someone who hasn’t reached their full potential yet. Every time I go through an awakening, I’m so into it, and then life happens and it’s pushed to the back of my mind and the cycle repeats. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of willpower or ability or discipline or something else. Spirituality is so layered and sometimes I feel like I am not doing enough. I’ve been to retreats, I’ve tried to meditate and I just can’t seem to be able to. I’ve tried for YEARS. I have never been able to get my brain to slow down and just become thoughtless. I accidentally snap myself out of it each time I’ve tried. I’ve tried different times of day, different positions, different meditating styles, etc. I do get downloads sometimes and I do have deep, indescribable dreams often but I feel like a fraud most of the time telling people that I am spiritual. Sometimes I wonder if I even have spiritual gifts, because during certain periods of my life it’s almost like my mind is being activated. And I feel like nothing has changed in my life BECAUSE I’m not actually doing anything about it. Yes I’ve been to retreats but a lot of those people I did not vibe with … that showy spirituality isn’t my thing. From my personal experiences, a lot of spiritual practitioners have bad energy and profiting off of people’s money with bad energy always physically repulses me. You can just tell when someone is true to themselves or not … and a lot of them just aren’t, they charge an arm and a leg for a 3 day weekend and it’s just group meditation. Or maybe I just picked wrong😂 A lot of them are very vain too! Vanity is one of the biggest turn offs for me. I don’t want to generalize but I’m more so speaking from my experiences in order to truly gain input.

I don’t even know if I have spirit guides. One time I thought I felt one of them … but then it never happened again. So many of my life lessons have revolved around money … for reference I am 24 and have debt, bills, an apartment, car, and car insurance in my state is RIDICULOUSLY high. Honestly everything in my state is more expensive. And every time I try to get ahead mentally, spiritually, AND financially something happens. It’s so draining and money used to flow to me effortlessly I have no idea what changed. When I moved to this state a few years back I moved by myself, no family I didn’t know anybody and I wanted a fresh start. And I got that! I’m happy where I am, I do feel like for now I’m where I’m supposed to be. But there is a block and I just can’t figure it out.

I do understand the power behind words, and I do not go around saying “I can’t meditate” or “I can’t do this”. I implement positive affirmations in my life and I try to give myself grace. I used to be a very insecure person (although people who knew me wouldn’t have known that) and I can confidently say that I do love myself now and believe I am capable of doing great things. But spiritually I’m lagging, when I know I am capable of more.

So I guess my point to this is, I want to start transforming my life. But I don’t know if I’m trying to force something on myself that isn’t my path and my spirit guides either don’t exist or don’t want to talk. I have come to so many new conclusions and I’ve finally been able to see my life in a fuller circle than I ever have before. I just don’t know what to do next. Rituals? Journaling? Astral projection? I’m open to any and all input/advice!!! I’m a very private person and don’t use social media much anymore, and I don’t post things in discussion groups ever, so this is new for me. And maybe this can help someone else too who feels stuck!