I haven't totally made up my mind about leaving or not yet, I'm still kind of scared to even think about it. My question though is how do you get around feeling awful about yourself after something sexual.

So I am 19M and moving down to LA in the fall to try and start my own life a new. I felt it was somewhere open to new things and enough distance to not feel pressure to conform one way or the other. I was raised Roman Catholic and a very strict one at that. I don't mean to brag but I'm a pretty intelligent person and while I was raised in an incredibly far right house I did my own research and came to a much different conclusion than my conservative family. The issue for me is that I like to explore on the internet. I find that I am attracted to mostly girls but also feel some attraction to trans women and more feminine presenting men. I am 19M so I masturbate fairly often and I feel fine throughout the day and in the actual act but then as soon as I'm done I feel totally disgusted with myself and I feel dirty. Sometimes things I masturbate to are more vanilla and I feel fine after that but when i masturbate to a trans woman or I guess a femboy might be the common term, I feel like a horrible person. I actually bought myself a small dildo about 2 years ago and I used it a couple times but then I threw it away as I felt a ton of shame from it. I don't know why because in my head I know there isn't anything wrong with it, I find pleasure in these things but I can't stop myself from feeling dirty or gross from it. I am just tired of ebbing and flowing where I feel so great and such attraction to something and then dropping to feeling grossed out. The other thing with this is that I'm interested in exploring but I don't want to explore at the same time and only use someone as fetish practice either. For me exploring I'd rather try and pursue something more and practice with a partner rather than a random hookup or something.

Sorry its a bit rantish but it's been making me mad for quite a while now.