Mommie Dearest…

TW; child abuse mentioned!

Y’all wanna hear a funny story?
When I was a little girl, I called my mother “mommie dearest”, And she got so mad at me, right? Told me to never call her that again. I don’t even know where I heard the phrase. But I didn’t watch the movie I had no idea.. but last night, I decided to watch that movie for the first time in my life. Oh boy!
Not even a full 10 minutes into the movie I’m relating to that poor little girl.

Like once when I was 16, I spent hours and hours Managing my four younger siblings and cleaning the house for her. I tried so hard To make sure everything was perfect for her. I was so proud of how well we did! But when she came home? The only thing she did was Find crumbs under the garbage can because I didn’t think to move it and clean under underneath. So she freaked out on us all, honestly worse than the mom did in the beginning of that movie.. That night was the first night. I tried to commit suicide. I had taken 12 -14 ibuprofen or Tylenol pills. Obviously, now that wasn’t gonna kill me, but- That’s what was running through my head.

No, to give her some credit she’s never choked me out like the girl in the movie. Although when I was seven, she did drag me up the stairs to my room by my hair. When I was around 12, I vividly remember her slapping me in the face so hard she broke blood vessels around my temple. She also had a special belt she used like a third hand.. “pants around your ankles and hold onto you ankles don’t move or it’ll be worse for you!, Child protective services were called countless times, but all of the calls never amounted to anything ever. She got away with everything. There were times when she grounded me in my room for at least a month maybe more, even as young as six years old. Obviously, there were so many other times of her physical abuse. Even after she stopped abusing me herself? Well, then she let her revolving door of partners abuse all of us kids..

The best part is she always tried to tell me (in recent years) how she was abused as well... and how she did the best with what she could. I was abused too, Jennifer. I’ll never treat my babies the way she treats hers. She’d be furious with me if she would see this.. But I know deep down that what she really would feel is shame. Because she clearly knew it was wrong of the mom in the movie to treat her children that way.. so at this point in my life, I feel like she also knew it was wrong that she was abusing us (me the most as I am the eldest daughter).

I do not speak to my mother anymore, for obvious reason reasons but on top of that. She hasn’t changed much in my 26 years of life. I don’t quite think she ever will.

Thanks for reading if you did.. just needed to talk about it because I kind of wanted to post this on my public Facebook page, but- decided not to. 🩵

(I did post this on the rant community but someone suggested me to check this community out!)