Maybe Im just a finance plan to my family

Apparently I'm 18M was preparing for JEE and yes I failed both attempts. I tried I tried hard. Yes my plans had flaws, yes I couldnt work on my techniques, yes I couldn't stick to one single resource but I tried.

Here's my story-

I am the eldest one amongst all my cousins (paternal or maternal) from the very start everyone had thought me the path of sacrifice and always expected academic excellence. My Family is financially well doing or okayish (my dad is in software (not from any INI)).

So lets strt from 10th - I was not academically excellent but I was serious about it. In 10th everyone hyped me up for boards hence I studied hard and got 90.2% (not much ik but it was too good for someone like me). My only motivation to study was my family having pride on me or lets reframe that simply so that I can be loved and valued. The day results were announced I sat on my laptop and calculated my score, I was really happy- I went to my dad told him my result "He said agar meri baat maane hote toh shayad maths aur science mai jyaada aajate" I felt broken but I acted fine and that was the day my motivation died.

As an elder and mostly because of being a man I was always counted on bringing results that was my only value - no result = no value (since 8th) became premature always gave sacrifices always tried hard no matter the results - stepped into JEE with 0 guidance (mere khandan mai kisi ne koi competition nhi nikala hai smh) So I was all by myself - I literally fell into every pothole one could think but I tried Roj coaching mai faculty se gaali khata tha fir dost majak udate the firr ghar aake gaali khata tha (every day for straight 2 years) I always did decent in mocks rank 1-10 in my batch out of 100 students, but no one cared.

Fast forward to last 3months before jan attempt - mere dad k office mai kuch gadbad hogayi he became a very heavy alcoholic ( he used to drink at literally any point of time). It was too hard for me to digest my mental health went down with a straight slope - eveything changed tab meri coaching classes ka most crucial phase chalu tha - full syllabus revision and mocks I went really down rank pehle 30s mai gayi firr 40s mai fir 60s mai and went down - I was sitting on my desk everyday but I couldnt study ( glimpses of some events ran on my mind) I still tried.

Fir Jan attempt aata hai, My physics faculty had a lot of expectations from me(Mere physics k faculty bohot acche hai he is always there for me), I went into the exam hall physics khola and It was like I hit a flashbang kuch samajh nhi aa rha I couldnt even read past k 3months flash ho rhe hai and just like that 30mins are over I hardly solved 3 questions... Im scared now ki sab kya bolenge kya jawaab dunga sabko I lost it- scored 67ile.

I got out of centre sat in the car and started crying ki ye kya hua mere saath - In my 2 years I couldnt imagine myself in such a situation, everyone tried to console me ki ek attempt baaki hai, I was broken- I was done my self belief was over. Results came in everyone who consoled me asked me to leave engineering aur sab rude hogaye mujhse- sab.

Then came CBSE boards kese taise mehnat ki aur nikala socha atah 90 tak aajayenge but papers were too abrupt so iske liye bhi mai gaali khaunga when the results are here.

2nd attempt k liye din raat ek krdi in the last 20ish days I had pura damm lga diya went to exam hall firse vohi hua jo pichli baar hua tha. Result aaye and now everone have changed.

"insaan mard nhi hota paisa mard hota hai" Sabko mujhse jo expectation thi sab 0 hogayi- sab ab mujhe secretly hate krte hai parr koi dikha nhi sakta cause ladke ne galat kadam utha liya toh humari bejjati hogi.I always tried to explain my situation to my parents but in return I get drrama of my dad not being well, negligence of my hardwork and emotional blackmail (My dad said - " Agar tune ye boldiya ki tera mere chakkar mai nhi hua toh mai atmahatya krlunga") I stayed back.

3 din pehle mera birthday tha I always used to get wishes from my mama mami, chacha chachi, dada dadi - no one called sab bhul gaye ( everyone remembers result date of every exam I give) The Idea in my mind that sab mujhse nafrat krte hai was true.

I tried to end my life (jisme khandan ki bezzati na ho) through road accidents with my soocter (one and only thing that doesnt judge me by my marks and doesnt see me as a scorecard)
3 attempts

1. Crashing into the divider (february)
2. skidding infront of a truck ( such that I were to be blamed for the accident and not the truck driver) (march)
3. Falling onto the ditch in national highway (on my birthday)

None worked unfortunately, thankfully not much scratches on my scooter (waarna mujhe uska bill bhi recite kiya jaata) went to the hospital only once.

Now I cant try that - I even failed in attempting suicide.

Maybe Im just here to face the torture and be the punching bag of my family. Also I dont have much friends either cause every 2 years we switch locations.

All I wanted to say was ki yaar agar tum ladke ho to paisa kama lo yaar ya kuch krlo cause thats the only way for you to be loved (No hate to girls kyunki aaplog emotionally available rehte ho family k liye mostly kuch ladke nhi reh paate). my people stabbed on my back- my people who I dedicated my life to since childhood. I still do love my family roj aasha krta hu ki yaar ek din koi exam nikal jaaye aur mujhe firse pyaar kre but lets see.

Thank you for reading it till here, Im sorry aapka time liya - I just wanted to let this off before my next exam.