How times can change

Trigger warning: suicide. Addiction. Severe mental health.

It’s not often I see positive posts on here and that’s completely understandable. I wanted to share the last year of my life, just briefly, for anyone that needs a bit of hope, I know I did and posts like this really helped me.

About a year ago I realised my life was at rock bottom. I was heavily addicted to prescription medication, my community were the same and fuelled the fire, I’d split up with a partner that I adored and all my PTSD symptoms lit up like a Christmas tree. I have CPTSD from childhood cancer and it went undiagnosed, not without trying, for 20 years.

Was it luck or fate, I don’t know but, when I decided enough was enough, standing on the edge of a bridge, I called a doctor first. I don’t know what prompted me to do this but I needed something, anything to help me. This doctor took their lunch break and another hour in the week to help me navigate a diagnosis for my PTSD and create a treatment plan.

I left my old life behind and never looked back. Was it the hardest thing I’ve ever done? Yes. But it was necessary, even though leaving behind people you love it painful, ultimately they were helping me enable my coping mechanisms of overusing medication. I moved back with my mum for a few months which was tough in itself but looking back, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

I went through 6 months of EMDR therapy for my PTSD and that changed my life. I viewed the world positively again. I couldn’t change my past but I could change my future. Although the sessions made things worse before they got better, I tackled every aspect of shit life had thrown at me and I went in head first. I’ve got a lot to blame myself for but equally, a lot to give myself credit for. Finally I was able to see the beauty of the world again and, see me for who I am. Most importantly, I could feel emotion again instead of feeling numb.

That was a game changer. Again, I’m lucky here but I was able to take 2 months off work to really process what had happened over the last 2 decades of my life. I took a trip, a long one, I drove across the USA. 2 months of freedom. Just me, my truck and my thoughts. That trip saved my life. Finishing those 60 days on Venice beach thinking about what had led me here was a moment I’ll never forget.

After coming back from that trip, although I’ve got barely any friends left, I do have a few people close to me and I’m building a new community of people who are sober and that respect my sobriety and I respect everything they’ve been through too.

I’ve been fortunate enough to by myself a small flat where I feel safe. Somewhere to call home that I haven’t had before.

My life is happy now, I wake up feeling happy rather than numb or suicidal. I have hope, I have a future and most importantly, I have myself again.

Yes I’m still medicated, with something that helps this time and is non addictive. But it’s a small price to pay for good mental health.

For anyone that’s going through shit and for those who’ve reached the lowest point, I just want you to know that it does get better. Yes there’s a hell of a lot of work to do to get there and maybe a bit of luck but, I promise you’ll get there.

Going through this has shown me a side of the world I’ve never seen before, like a curse but it’s also shown me the kindness of strangers, the beauty in suffering and the pride in the work put in to get better.

This sub helped me a lot throughout this journey. For anyone that’s commented on my posts before, thank you.

If anyone wanted to ever chat, let me know.