I have no idea what to do

Leaving would feel like abandoning him. Staying would feel like abandoning myself.

I have been with him for 13 years, we got together at 16. He was my first kiss, the only person I have ever kissed. The first 8 years were great, I thought. But some bad stuff happened in our lives, now he’s been unemployed for the last 5 years and drinking a bare minimum of 12 beers a day. We fight constantly.

I’m not perfect either. Especially when I drink (currently working on quitting). But during these hard times I have been working part time and I got a college degree. Recently I hit a wall. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t imagine any future with him… but I also struggle to imagine a future without him.

I’m his only friend. I have my own friends, but he is the person I’m closest to, but he’s also the person who’s hurt me the worst. He has used my traumas, insecurities, and deepest regrets against me. Things I thought if I told him would bring us closer, he used as ammunition during fights. Actually traumatizing stuff. Like genuinely traumatizing.

I never want to be emotionally vulnerable to him ever again. He’s just not a safe landing and I don’t trust him. I never ever want him to see me like that again. I don’t want him to touch me or look at me in a sexual way. We haven’t had sex in a year and a half.

I’m scared if I leave I will be making a horrible mistake. He’s said over and over again that no one else will put up with my bullshit and honestly I believe him. I’m not the prettiest, I’m super awkward, I’m autistic, but I do have some good qualities. I’m creative, loyal, kind, and smart. I’m just scared that at almost 30, no one will want me, that I’m bad at kissing and sex, low sex drive, no driver’s license, that I’m too awkward and I struggle to connect with people. I’m scared of the dating scene. I’m scared I’ll come crawling back and that we actually deserve each other. And he’ll just have one more thing to hold over my head.

He keeps begging me to forgive him and just make it work but I don’t know how. I want him to be nice to me, get a job, stop drinking, and get a hobby or some other thing to build an identity outside of me. Maybe go to therapy to address his trauma. I can’t make him do any of that and I’ve asked him for years.

Now that we are living in separate spaces he is finally treating me with patience sometimes, he didn’t drink for four whole days (but he started again) and inquired to his doctor about couples counseling. It took almost a month of living separately for him to realize I’m not just saying words when I say *I’m not sure I want to continue our relationship*. We also have a cat and I don’t want to break our little family. I’m finally seeing tiny trickles of improvement and can’t help but wonder if this will make us stronger? Maybe I can fall back in love with him? But I still don’t trust him with my emotions or body.

Like I said at the beginning: leaving feels like betraying him, and staying feels like betraying myself.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated.