On getting bullied

Jordan's comments about being bullied really hit home here. I was what some would call a gifted boy; at least I did good in school. I know I was also a bit special and even though I am not diagnosed - let's just say I'm neuro-spicy and have never been a naturally social intelligent person. I might be masking as an adult, but as a child I was not able to do that.

I was bullied through most of my school time. In my country, the school system is: start school at age 6, stay in the same type of school for 10 years, then onto trade school/grammar school/prepatory high school, then either college/university or a job. From the second year (around 1996) to the second-to-last year of school (2003/2004) I was bullied: called names, frozen out, physically and verbally abused, beaten up and pushed off my bike. It basically only stopped because the main culprit saw me at a taekwondo lesson and maybe realised that I could woop his ass (I was taller and stronger than him too) at any given time. The beatings I had got however had taught me that fighting is never the answer.

Now, whether it is my social intelligence or the socially hampering experiences of my childhood I don't know, but to this day I am still ... socially limited? I have been seing a therapist and it did help. But I have a hard time making friends*. I have a wife and three kids and love spending time with them, but if a bad feeling bubbles up, my years of experience as a child has taught me to swallow them and not talk of them because any talk about bad feelings necessarily lead to worse situations. The little school yard me demands protection. So basically I am either happy/glad or mute. I am a bit sad to say that it also has an effect on my relationship with my wife. The hard, necessary talks that most couples have to have are talks that I have a very hard time sitting through, to a degree where I just completely avoid mentioning certain things. I can be so avoidant that I, from one day to the other, just completely drop a habit if it caused any friction. The little school yard me demands protection from bad feelings. I honestly can't remember the last time I cried. It might've been when an uncle got buried and only his close family showed up; a grand total of 15 people. My social issues mean that my social circles are about his size. Could I have made more friends if I hadn't been bullied? Perhaps. We'll never know.

All that to say; bullying can definitely be hard on kids and the adults they grow up to be.

Sorry for trauma dumping.

* When Jordan says "friends" on the show, does he mean actual friends, or just that they are friendly to each other? English is a second language so maybe my language's word for "friend" just mean something more intimate.

(This is a throwaway account)