i get this feeling of emptiness. and it's not just love, it's anything bonding, it's people together. i met a new friend by convincing them not to commit suicide and here we are a week later and she found a girlfriend. good for her, but when will it ever be my turn? she is my only friend, and i don't even want any more. i don't want to do it again. put in the effort. i put in so much effort and it always turns to shit. when will someone put in the effort for me? she said nothing will change but 15 minutes later she told me that she hasn't been getting any sleep staying up with her gf so i told her to just go to sleep then. she said having both of us in her life is really hard on her because of energy. yeah she'll try, and she'll say nothing will ever change, but i know she loves her more than me. she always will. everyone will always love someone more than me. why i can't i have someone where i'm the only person in their life? why is it always me? why is it ALWAYS me? no one will ever find me pretty. i will never be a girl. i will always be a fucking freak. 

i don't want to commit suicide, i really want someone to kill me though. really bad. i need someone to come end my life. shoot me in the head. curb stomp me. choke me out. i don't care. just have some fun while you're doing it.

fuck my life. fuck all this. fuck everything. i was feeling fine until i opened discord and saw they were online with the status "i love my wifey 🫶". what is wrong with me? what the fuck is the matter with me? i can't just let people be happy? like fuck. i want to fucking rip my fucking skin off. 

i really just feel over it. tw suicidal thoughts