wasting time

I know NO ONE checks this anymore because I haven't been posting anything publicly, except maybe with a few people on Discord whom I really appreciate, and my head just needed a way to get some things off my chest.

I've been feeling unmotivated for almost two months now, if you can even call it that, for reasons that are simply difficult for me to handle and that I simply haven't been able to let go of because I barely have the space to do so. After all, almost no one tries to look beyond the tributes that users make.

It makes me feel very strange that many people I've met here have simply moved on while I still feel completely limited. I'm drowning in my own feeling of wanting to be with them but I just can't. I've tried to be as attentive as possible to the people I've met here and little by little I've become more and more alone, even though I've tried to save it, or in the worst cases they tell me directly that they don't want to associate with me anymore and everything is cut off at the root.

I feel awful because I feel incapable of progressing, and it hurts. I know this isn't the way I should be seeking normal relationships, but I just can't help it. These days, I can barely look at tribute sites without feeling... bad? In the end, it feels like a reminder that eventually nothing will be left of me, and I'll never have had any impact on anyone. I'll just be another face in the crowd, and probably not even that.

I know I'm going to regret posting this here because absolutely no one will care how I feel in an environment like this, but... it hurts so much, it's eating me up inside. I like doing tributes, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel this way. I'm not even sure I explained myself well or if it translated correctly. My communication has always been terrible. I hate myself so much.

I apologize if you read this and for some reason we talked in DMs or something similar, I really just need... I don't know.

Sometimes I just want to disappear, but thanks to the few people I care about through this medium, I've been able to stay here. Sorry.