AITAH for hitting my boyfriend

Me F/18 and my boyfriend M/20 have been living together for 4 months. I grew up in a house where every argument with my mother turned physical, which happened basically every day. I’ve also had a lot of health issues over the years and never knew why.

Right now I’m under huge stress because my Leaving Cert is in one month. I missed my LCVP portfolio, my art booklet, Artefact 1, and my technology project/booklet because we live far from my school and my boyfriend couldn’t bring me due to work. Despite everything, I cook and bake for him every day.

Last Sunday night I got scammed out of €500. The next morning we went to the Garda station to report it, and while we were there I got my blood test results back and found out I have PCOS and high sugar levels. I burst into tears. One of the first things my boyfriend said was, “At least you can’t get pregnant now,” even though he knows having children is something I’ve always wanted.

On the drive home my mother texted me saying I could apply for welfare, and my boyfriend started insulting her and calling her a “retard.” Then we went to his grandparents’ house and all three of them kept telling me what I should have done differently about the scam. I already knew I made mistakes and hearing it over and over just made me feel worse. €500 is a lot of money to lose. My boyfriend also told them about my blood test results without even asking me first.

The next day we agreed I would stay at my mother’s house from Wednesday to Sunday because he was working nights and staying at a friend’s on Saturday. I really did not want to stay there because me and my mother do not get along at all. She is extremely controlling. I’m not allowed downstairs after 5pm, can’t close the bathroom door, can’t have baths, and have to do things exactly when she says. When I’m there I usually just stay in my room and avoid everyone. I still agreed to stay because my boyfriend said he wanted alone time.

The night before I went to my mum’s, we were talking and I brought up a past relationship. I know I shouldn’t have and I apologised, but for the next hour he verbally abused me while I was trying to sleep. I repeatedly asked him to stop. Eventually I warned him that if he didn’t stop I would grab his hair, and I did.

He suddenly started crying and screaming. I let go, and he jumped out of bed calling me a “dirty bastard,” which made me angrier. I picked up a stick from the broken bed frame and hit his hand twice. I know that was wrong and I apologised multiple times afterwards and checked his hand. After I hit him, he also put his hands on me.

The next day everything seemed normal again. We had sex and he dropped me off at my mum’s house without any issues.

That night he came home on his break from work, but he hadn’t messaged me at all since leaving me there. I checked the home camera to say hi and noticed the privacy cover was closed. I called and texted him multiple times before he finally replied half an hour later saying he had been on the phone with his granny.

The next day he broke up with me. Then he changed his mind. Then he wanted to break up again. Then he wanted to stay together. This back-and-forth kept happening constantly.

On Saturday he came to talk things out. Earlier that day I had asked him what he got my dad for his birthday. He said he was giving him a beer tap thing we had bought months ago in Lidl clearance for €15. That upset me because for his granny’s birthday I bought multiple presents and baked her a cake, and it felt like he put no effort in for my family.

When he arrived we talked things through and agreed to stay together. While we were sitting in the car, he grabbed my phone and checked through it because notifications came up from my niece and my friend. He found nothing. Then I took his phone and jokingly said I’d look through his too since he looked through mine. He immediately started grabbing for it, which he had never done before.

That’s when I saw that he had sent his mother Ring camera footage of our fight. I got extremely angry, got out of the car, and he just drove away instead of coming inside.

The next evening he arrived late again and we talked everything out for hours. We decided I would move back into our house. But once we got there, his mother phoned him from another country and started shouting at him, saying I better not come back to the house or there would be “war.” She also told him not to see me.

Sunday night was more fighting, but we still ended up having sex and going to sleep together. The next day he said he was going to his nan’s for food and would only be an hour, but he stayed out until 11:30pm. When he got home it turned into another argument where he kept switching between saying we were together and broken up.

He told me if I apologised to his nan, he would tell his family we were back together. I didn’t want to apologise to anyone except him because I didn’t hurt anyone else, but I still apologised. His nan replied saying I needed anger management.

On Tuesday night he came home from work and at first everything seemed okay. Then while I was sorting clothes I casually asked if he wanted me to take all my things back to my mum’s. He said yes. For the first time I didn’t argue. I just quietly packed.

While packing I came across a box of sentimental things I had kept from our relationship — old gifts, packaging from little things he bought me, even an empty orange juice bottle he got me after I failed my theory test. Stuff that looked like rubbish to anyone else but meant something to me because it reminded me of moments together.

The next morning his nan came into the sitting room while I was wearing shorts and a spaghetti strap top and asked me, “Do you not have clothes to put on?” I immediately started crying. She then lectured me about how good he had been to me, how upset the situation had made her and his grandad, and said all my stuff needed to go because we were not compatible.

What hurt me most is the hypocrisy. Months ago his cat shit on our bed and he simply sprayed fabric softener over it and covered it with a blanket. Another time he fell asleep smoking in bed beside my dog despite me begging him not to smoke there because it’s dangerous. I was extremely upset and ended up confiding in my mum about it. Even then I defended him and said he was still good to me. My mum privately told him not to smoke in bed and to stop letting the cat on the bed. He got furious at me for telling her and made me promise not to say bad things about him to my family again.

But now he has told his entire family about our fight and even shown them videos of it.

Now I feel confused and emotionally exhausted. One minute he wants to break up, the next he wants to stay together. His family are heavily involved in our relationship, and I feel judged and humiliated. I know hitting him was wrong and I take responsibility for that, but I also feel like the relationship has become toxic on both sides.

I’m mainly upset about the constant pushing and pulling, the mixed signals, and him involving his family while expecting me not to involve mine. I really do love him and part of me wants to stay, but another part of me feels drained and unsure what to do anymore.

Am I wrong for being upset that he told his family and showed them videos? And should we just break up at this point?