It feels like there are just too many problems for me to handle.

I know all of this boils down to me needing to get professional help. I've been sitting on the idea of getting help for over a year and I don't know if I'll ever get the nerve to just try it. I tried just being medicated, but that experience was terrible for a handful of reasons. It was such a waste of time and money. The idea of having to actually open up to a person, talk about past experiences and talk about how I feel or cope sounds like a humiliation ritual I want no part of.

I know if I don't get help, I'll always be here. I'll always be struggling like I am now. Nothing will ever change. I'm also terrified of trying things and I'm terrified of change. I'm so used to feeling the way I do and bottling things up or coping in my own ways and not feeling like this and not bottling it up and not coping like I normally do sounds terrifying. I've gotten so comfortable feeling this way.

Like, I've been married to my husband for an entire six years and I just recently came clean about experiencing CSA. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was drinking, and normally that elevates my mood, but that time I had never felt so low. I couldn't stop thinking about it and feeling so angry about it and I just had to tell someone. He's literally the first person I ever told.

And he's so supportive, but he's not a professional. He doesn't know how to handle all of this. I'm terrified that I'm going to become too much for him and he won't want to deal with me. I keep switching from accepting his help in finding a professional to telling him I changed my mind. He knows I need it, but he won't push me because he knows that won't help either.

I can't talk to my family about it because the person that did it is not only dead, but a family member. I already had to go no contact with my dad last year, for a completely different and unrelated reason, and I don't want to lose what little of my family I have left. If I talk about it, if I tell them what happened, I'll be talking about my grandma's dead husband. My mom's dead father. I can't get over the feeling of selfishness for wanting to talk about this with my mom. I just want to talk to my mom and I can't.

I can't seem to move on either. I'd go back to school and get a job and do what adults are supposed to do, but I can't function like a regular healthy person. I can barely stomach leaving my house by myself. It's not just the CSA that's constantly haunting me; it's the abuse and neglect from my dad that I experienced. It's my mom's passiveness and unwillingness to defend me or protect me when I seriously needed it. It's the medical sexual abuse I experienced right in front of her face and she did nothing, but I'm still so desperate to keep her in my life.

It's like all of these experiences have made me who I am. It's the reason I act the way I do. It's the reason I think the way I do. It's the reason I handle every situation the way I do. It's why I feel the way I do about myself. It's all completely ingrained into my brain, and I don't even feel like a real person anymore. I'm not me anymore, I am what happened to me.

And I can't seem to be able to just open up to anyone and actually talk about it. I'd rather cope until it kills me.