Talk me down, about to break NC

I’ll spare all the cringe and stereotypical details of the breakup I am going through. We all know the script. I still live with him and he wants my kids and I to move out. I haven’t talked to him on the phone or texted him in 5 days. He has stayed the last two nights away from home and I’m certain he won’t be coming back this weekend.

Below is just some raw shit I had to get out and I am fantasizing about sending it to him. I won’t. But man, I could use some support. 2 years with him and I am completely and utterly heartbroken.

My letter is as follows:

I want you to know I’m giving you the silence you need to regulate. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, because I do, it means that I value you enough to step back and give space.

I am able to move on and am actively doing what you asked; to find housing. This isn’t what I want. I want to be able to work through and identify this cycle. Our love story is worth the effort. You are worth the effort. This is our opportunity to make something lasting and real. I love you.

I can also recognize that even just hearing that would be triggering and a put off. I realize that isn’t about me. None of this has been. It’s a deeper river of hurt that you’ve experienced, that you couldn’t control. I thought for so long it was me because I had my faults and did things that were hard to manage. Knowing that I caused you distress made me want to be better, to do better, for myself, my boys, for you, and for this amazing relationship that I had been willing in to existence. This isn’t blame or shame. This is observation. If only the words could have been spoken in the moments they needed to be, I wouldn’t have been left to figure this out alone. And I could have held you the way you needed. Those things don’t just fall in to place. It’s an intention, mindfully learning your partner so they feel safe. Perhaps that’s too exposing for you. It would have made me feel safe.

The reality is that we all have inner kiddo that needs attention. We can lock them away for only so long before someone sees you and gets it. Comes to you with the best approach, not the right way at first, just the best they could do at the time, but learns…softness, empathy, understanding. I’m holding a special place for your wounded heart. That boy that didn’t get the love he needed and deserved more. And I’d be willing to love that man he grew into until it just didn’t hurt again. If only he knew it wasn’t his fault, maybe then those jagged edges around his heart could relax.

Our connection is palpable. Everyone feels it. Sometimes it has been clumsy. Sometimes it has been scary. Sometimes it has been like WTF is going on! But it has mostly been wonderful and genuine and sweet and something only the sun could shine bright enough to overshadow. There are many life molding things that people experience in relation. It’s part of life and it’s beautiful. And the moment I met you I knew that I had found my home. When a connection so earth shattering rumbles you to the core with one look, you know to pay attention. You have my attention. I had yours.

However, I see that you are unable to hold that space right now. It’s making a linear comparison from overwhelm to incompatible . But that’s not the truth. The truth is that it just feels too hard, too much, to endure opening up that space where peace will eventually come from. Especially when someone can clearly see the internal battle and the constant need for emotional distance, the pattern it makes…it must feel so exhausting to live in the confines of your own emotional walls. To know that something isn’t right. But…maybe it’s the job…maybe it’s my partner…maybe it’s owning a home…maybe it’s her kids…maybe if I find enough flaws in anything at this moment I can blame it on that.

I realize this will fall on deaf ears and a heart that has already made a decision. And that’s ok. I know that I’m being true, allowing my own heart to speak, even in rejection. I will never know for certain if this is the truth, but it’s the closest thing I can make sense of given that the information I seek is behind a deadbolt. I wish I had the key.

Please understand that I realize how hard and uncomfortable it is for you to dive in to your feelings. I truly have a different understanding of what you probably want, not necessarily need, moving forward with your life. You deserve whatever you’re seeking. Please know I was choosing you the whole time. And part of my letting go is knowing that you could never fully choose me. I’m aware.

I want to thank you for the compliment you gave me recently when you said “There’s a really lovely side to you.” That sparked me. You’re right. There is that and so much more. It’s still here and I’m just going to get better at this life thing. I have to now start looking forward to the day that someone else gets to experience that, because, dang…what a gift.