Been doing this for a while, wondering about others experiences.

Hey, so I've had 4 sessions at the full dose, 5 total. During these I put in noise canceling earbuds and meditate and sometimes pray. My goal is to reprocess traumatic experiences in my past. I've focused on forgiveness and acceptance, but I keep... Hitting a wall? I also keep getting the same "feeling" that I should do something pretty major. Not like a command, but more like "if you cannot accept this, then perhaps go help here". I purposely didn't read much about this drug other than it was a derivative of ketamine, so I'm not sure what's normal or what to expect.

I'm told I have cptsd, and my therapist thought for a while that I may have DID, but I seriously doubt that and don't think she believes it anymore either. I can, however, leave my body during meditation or during certain dream states, although they are different experiences and can't do either on command or maybe reliably is more correct. I had one experience (on spravato )where I purposely left my body and had a very pleasant/cathartic experience with someone close to me I recently lost. Very little communication, but it was similar to other experiences I've had "leaving my body". I fully accept that it's most likely my consciousness showing me what I want or need to see, but it was pleasant nonetheless.

The first thing I described though, hitting that wall looking for forgiveness (forgiving someone else) or acceptance, I've had twice.

Should I not meditate or pray or whatever and just let the drug do its thing? I just don't want this to become an escape, because I personally like dissociatives, but honestly two hours sitting there gets boring without meditating to pass the time. Just wanted to hear others experiences and maybe some guidance because my therapist told me to focus on reprocessing the trauma and the admin doc told me to think about happy times...

Also, as I've seen others say, it's a bit** organizing transportation and getting time off work. I can replicate this feeling pretty closely with pharmaceuticals at home, what are thoughts on that? Thank you for your time.