struggling with break up with a great guy + male validation loop

I posted here a few weeks ago debating whether to break up with my bf of 3 years or “be free”. I decided to ultimately end it, because I started obsessing about this other guy and felt although I loved my bf and felt extremely safe with him, I had a restlessness for a while that hasn’t gone away. Something wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair to him either.

I’m struggling a lot lately.

At first I felt okay because I started talking to this new guy, but I’ve quickly realized that he’s low-effort, focused on sex and basically a 32-year-old fuck boy. It’s really put things into perspective, and I’m questioning my life choices.

I don’t think it was necessarily a mistake to break up, because I constantly had an unsteady feeling and lack of sexual desire. I wouldn’t say I traded my ex for the thrill of the new guy - I just think the new guy represented something that was missing, and I pulled the trigger because it just got too loud to ignore? It was actually the sweetest and saddest break up I’ve ever had - we kissed and hugged as he left, and said we loved each other.

I might have mentioned in my last post that for 2 years, I was constantly trying to get my ex onboard to walk with me into our future - steady employment, thinking what he wants for our shared future and his, kids (we accidentally got pregnant and lost it), etc. Two months before the break up he started getting things together (signed a year contract for a new job, stopped smoking pot all together), but I’m not sure if maybe I was just past the point of wanting to wait to see if things got better.

But I’m missing the security of my relationship a lot, don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going, and feel like I’m going through withdrawal from attention from both a loving, pure place (my ex), and a superficial one I know isn’t worth it (new guy). I’ve listened to several audiobooks on dating, being single, attachment style (I’m clearly anxious but also a bit avoidant) because I’m realizing I’m extremely male-centered and always have been. It’s like I’m attention starved and am looking around, trying to figure out where to get it next.

I’m alternating between grieving my relationship, wondering how I let such an amazing, validating guy go to feeling pathetic that I want attention from this new guy and confused as to why he’s not asking me out, wanting sex and to feel erotic but also scared shitless to be that vulnerable with someone. I’m finding myself thinking of love and relationships sometimes in a very cynical way - because of the disposable way the new guy is treating me, I’m thinking “what’s the point? I won’t be good enough for anyone, guys just want the next hottest thing” and really questioning monogamy. The new guy also shared he’s been in a sort of kink relationship in the past where him and his ex hooked up with diff people in front of each other, and I’m just NOT about this. Scares me. Makes me feel insecure. Idk why I let other people’s experiences shape my own view on relationships, though?

My work life is suffering a lot. My laptop just got stolen and destroyed, I’m dealing with immigration issues in Mexico, had to get a new phone number, working on my fitness and trying to go to Pilates/yoga consistently but I’m just finding myself crying, lying around doing nothing…

I’m extremely insecure, always compare myself to other women, and am letting my age (almost 35) get to me.

I was going to freeze eggs in a few months, but postponed it until next year because my life feels like a dumpster fire at the moment.

I increased my therapy to weekly from biweekly and am trying to push through but feel I’m really not doing well atm. I’m making some new female friendships and want to be a fulfilled, confident “older” woman but I’m just struggling a lot.

This isn’t very organized. I guess I’m just looking for support from other women who might have been in this situation or if anyone has more reading/listening recommendations, I find I enjoy consuming self help material.

I know the answer is prob to be alone and learn to love myself, but I’m struggling so much with how to do this. I’m sitting in my own discomfort and pain and I know it’s probably necessary but I’m just so lost and hurting right now.