Hope

Hi im angela and I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been sober for over a year and this will be my second becoming sober. I found an old note from when I was drinking and wanted to share and discuss the time period of the writing and where I am now…

That point Jan 8 2023

Your at that point where your knees are numb. The sun kinda stings your eyes and you ramble about whatever is in your mind. You never used to travel on foot this way but it’s become filmular…

Going to the store is a cake walk now even though before it was a totally different emotion such as anger feeling impatient or even overwhelmed with how busy it is.. you enter this unintentional zen and take your time.. you enjoy that cigarette in a mist of water falling and grab that shopping cart with a numb feeling..

But then all a fucking sudden out of the clear fucking blue your whole person in a way changes. Like when the fuck did I learn to curse like a sailor. Where did all the mother fucking anger come from. Every fucking person has their own fucking reasons for running or lying or stealing or getting high pr for doing what they think is really there’s a better solution…

Why did I make myself think that’s okay to live this way for as long as did? Yea whiskey understands me to a degree. But then I loose Angela with each shot. If I keep this up there goes everything I’ve worked hard for. My money hopes and dreams all in the toilet because I don’t have the will power to say no I don’t need that drink today…

That day came. First time in June. I tried to in April and fell of the wagon after a wedding. But June stuck. I woke up with the absolute worst hangover. I was stalking cheese and told myself this is it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it but I’ll start with going home to shower and sleep even though I knew I wasn’t gonna get a wink. I tossed and turned and have the shivers. Woke up went to work and took it one day at a time. With time I was afraid of how much personality I gave to my drunk version to only learn with time I was there the whole time. I didn’t have the zen or clarity that slowly came with each day. October I had my son and lost a close friend to only grieve drink with wine.

Starting over yet again but that’s okay. Because I have come so far and learned an enormous amount along the way. But the hardest pill to swallow and will for a long time personally is seeing a person change because of alcohol. Because of this disease..

Wanted to end this with I hope whoever reads knows that there is “the other side” of it. Not a cure. On very hard days my brains still ponders. But I’m okay to walk into a liquor store or look without my mouth watering. I’ve had the best support and only hope to inspire/listen

🫶