How to navigate in your personal underworld as a sub to create the safe haven it deserves

Themes: Dillema -self control - sub fever or frenzy -connecting with a D, fantasy vs reality, where you must accept your own responsability, and how to work with it, how to? Phases that help screening or openup carefully and slowly. Your own well accepted nature screaming you out of your senses.

How I struggle with the ambiguity's of my disires. and confuse me in how to make them reliable in seeking your Dominant.. how does one present oneself to a D when you'r torn between needs that go quite dark and the fundaments of a healthy relationship that makes it a safe way to experience them and make you feel loved as a person.

The fever wich makes you ill with the desire..  needing you permanently to be on sharp for slipping in that fever and rush.. but the haunting energy wich makes you want it the harder, to see the right man in the wrong ones..  to not open up to soon when you desire full exposure and recognision.. and there energy is to strong to withold a bit.

At the same time something selfdestructive half concious does also dare takes over. I call them here my little angel side, and the fallen one..

Basically the second glady corrupts the first in its pureness.

How on earth not to go to fast, how to screen... everyone is so different and explanations can be resonable.. I find potential D's listen gladly. Certaintly if you spill your soul out and they know your weaknesses as if presented on a golden plate.. 

how the hell do I control this part of the "alter ego's" within my submissive nature.. the fragile  little angel that needs such care and reassuring, that seeks love.

and the other just as loud, the fallen one that wallows in the pain of the first, laughs and breaks it down.   It makes me so impatient to find someone soon to control that little beasty that abides within. And blind. And frightened ( in the first place from myself)

I dont manage to seperate red from green flags..  I try lists, research and etc but it blurres in my mind so constantly at war.

but I do know I cant give this need up either.

And if I manage to control that I can with someone create a save place for both!

Can anyone give advice to overcome subfrenzy( for thats the name of this here described or part of it?) or recognise my struggle wich is so damn hard to put in words

How not to be hypnotised.. to not confuse intensity with love.  To part reality from fantasy.

In short to be a natural submissive who wants to submit to someone deserving her submission and feel this hunger so deeply that it makes her extra vulnerable for the wrong attentions en still repeat them.

There is for sure proof to me enough that I must take part of the blame for choosing en communicating the wrong way. Thus repeating a pattern.

I find it so hard to find balance en somehow hold a shield until there's enough proof that it has real potential to be healthy.

My thanks for advice given, doesnt matter if its a sub or Dominant responding!