Been fighting urges for over two hours now

I thought urges were supposed to end in 30 minutes but I really really want to cut I feel so bad about my body and I’ve been monitoring my calories and skipping meals but it all feels so worthless the more I cut back on eating the more the little foods feel like. I can’t even eat a snack without guilt tearing me apart and all I think about is food and self harm now. I’m supposed to be getting better but I can’t do this anymore and I can’t cut because my grandma is in just the other room right now. I can’t even speak to my friends about any of this because they’re all already really skinny even though they eat so much more than me and don’t exercise regularly. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life