What does friendship mean to you?

As someone who was born with Hydrocephalus and has autism, I have always thought of friendships as valuable for contentedness and happiness with oneself. My deepest friendships have been quite peculiar I will admit, but I know that I find that many of the closest friends I've had are also diagnosed with autism or Asperger's. Yet over the years the friendships I've had have disappeared, which sometimes think is because of me, but other times they disappear and move on and away to live their lives elsewhere.

Although I want friendship and connection whether other the internet or in-person, I am wondering what the point is anymore. I am a member of Andy's Man Club, and I've made lots of friends and have felt a familial connection there, and it's been very enjoyable and rewarding. However, I don't think anything is changing there and I feel as though there is no evolution. My efforts to be closer and be the best friend I can be seems fruitless. I want to feel integrated, but when I'm at AMC I am only incorporated into AMC, not into proper friendships outside of AMC. I therefore feel my value as a person doesn't mean much, but I guess that could be a reflection on the things I haven't done to move my life forward to attain the things I want.

I loved my childhood because I felt connected and I felt like I mattered, but as an adult I feel as though the tables have turned and the support isn't there. I managed to achieve a lot in school, college and at university, but after university I lost direction because I haven't had the support I needed. I understand adult life is meant to be about forging your own path, but when you haven't developed without support, how on earth do you evolve meaningfully?

Friendships as an adult seems to mean you only get a fragment of their time because of family, job and other such responsibilities take precedent. I do understand this, yet I want close friendships, not ones that are once a week and only at a certain time and place. Nobody at AMC comes to visit me, nobody at AMC seems wanting for me to come to visit them. This makes me feel as though it's not the kind of club that is giving me what I desire. I want to feel like I'm on the inside in good company, not on the outside looking in at all the coziness. Maybe this is what I should say out loud next time at AMC to be honest, that might help.

If anyone wants to DM me to chat you're welcome to do so. I do want to embrace this community.