I want to relive my trauma

I been raped and assaulted I think maybe 12 or 13 times starting around the age of 9 going until very recently (I'm 22).
I've been trying to make a timeline and list of everything, and the deeper I dig for memories the more I can find that I mustve blocked out.

I want to relive my rape memories so they're fresh and I wont keep forgetting things.
I miss being so venerable.

I can't find anyone who wants to rp that kind of thing in my area, so I try to get it organically by looking like a hole to be used and going out on walks late at night but I can't seem to get the right guys to notice me so it will happen.