I deadass need help

Disclaimer: amphetamines, opioids, misuse of drugs (idk if i have to do this but i’d rather do it to avoid triggering some people)

It’s pathetic coming to reddit for advice but i have nowhere to turn to, for the past 2 years i’ve lived in constant grief over vyvanse and my old self, i sometimes fantasize about talking to my old self, i grieve my old self like it’s someone that died that i was very close to when i overdosed but it was literally just me, i’m in a bad headspace right now.
For the past 2 weeks i’ve been relapsing non stop off 30 mg of adderall, today was my last pill, and i’ve never felt more hopeless, the very thing that almost killed me is the only medication that actually helps me.
I’ve gotten more stuff done in the past 2 weeks than i’ve gotten done in months, and i knew this day would come because i only had 14 pills, i used them all, i’ve been making risky decisions, last night i wanted to stay up all night to make today’s dose feel stronger but i didnt and went to bed at 2 am, i usually go to bed at 10 pm and wake up at 5:30 am.
But that’s not the point i’m struggling bad right now, and i have no where else to turn to, i’m not s*icidal, i dont partake in SH, but i’ve been miserable, i don’t know what has happened to me, every summer is the same stuff, i go into extreme depression and i end up in a hypomanic state for weeks. I took 2 methocarbamols i stole from my cousin a couple weeks back like 2 hours ago and i dont even know why, i have 18 tramadol pills left i stole from my aunt from when she had her knee surgery.
How can i feel okay with being sober? How can i get things done with being sober? Everyday i reminisce about the same things, last summer it got so bad i was having mental breakdowns each night thinking about vyvanse and adderall and ritalin, i’m so tired of it, i’ve felt like i’ve been in a constant loop for 2 years straight. I wake up somedays thinking i’m a freshman and genuinely getting scared realizing it’s been almost 3 years (2 years and 8 months) time goes by so fast, and when i realize some things were a year ago i start to panic because it felt like it was last month. I dont want to go through what i went through again last summer but it’s looking like it’s getting bad again. I dissociate so much, randomly.

I have a psychiatrist appointment in 8 days and my mom finally agreed to consider putting me on a low dose of ritalin but i feel like i completely let her down, i let myself down, 14 days, that’s the longest relapse i’ve had so far, and i feel like maybe, just maybe ritalin would actually help me but i’m scared it will just end up with the same outcome.
What is wrong with me? Why am i so obsessed with drugs? Why am i so obsessed with mental extremes and intensity? I can’t sit still with being mediocre, or just being okay, i’d rather be depressed than feel just “okay” all the time. My emotions are extremely muted, i got a job last summer, first one since my freshman year, i didn’t even bat a smile when i got my first paycheck, i just wanted to work because it made me feel alive, i’ve had girls ask me out this year and felt absolutely nothing, i can’t have a crush again, my brain wont let me and i want another one so bad.
Why am i so jaded? Its not like i’m even sad right now i dont know what i feel right now i just feel off.