Unstructured Rambly thing, im stressed out and tired. Thnx xoxo

Who am I? A somebody ig, been really outside of the trans sphere of things because I am very shy and quiet. Before I explain literally anything else, I ask for patience. I am not very good at saying or writing in a way with structure so I suppose its going to be a bit messy in that regard.

Im 27, you can call me Alias because I havent ever settled on a label that I can call mine. Nothing feels like me.

A brief history, I have experienced dysphoria since I was 4 and got worse at 10, compounded at 15 and broke out at 20. Upbringing? A shaved head against my own will, and being ridiculed for atypical behavior of my assigned gender, and a phobic family.

A brief history on me trying my best to transition. Gated by doctors dragging heels with GAD tests and misdirection for 14 months before getting a finally referral, then 6 years on a waiting list for Tavistock. In that time, was out socially for 5 of the 7 years, was on HRT in an unofficial capacity, suffered some loses and basically undone at lot of the work I put into myself.

A brief medical history points to what I fear might be NCAH? Im not asking for doctors! Just wanting to think out loud, somewhere. 3 years, ferbile convulsion. 10 years, growing facial hair. 15 years, testicular tumor and an orchiectomy one gone. The patient access site is very... verbose with details, im not told enough about my medical history for a full picture. through that time, from 20 and onwards, poor feminisation with hrt despite good bloodwork. Things Ive always had, excessive sweating, tiredness, body hair growth to extremes, continued hairloss in a non-traditional male pattern (had a biopsy, and bloodwork done, its not MPB. Im medicated for MPB.), pain in both sides, excessive peeing, shortness of breath, depression, its always been like this, bweh. I've had tests over 7 years, its not a thyroid problem, nor diabetes, nor kidneys, nor literally anything. Briefly was on dex for something unrelated, sweating stops, fatigue goes, ect. What I think? I had an orchiectomy because of a TART when I was 15. NCAH is... mild in people assigned male at birth. could it have been a precocious puberty at 10 maybe? I dunno. Was predicted to be 5'11 based on something years ago, I am sure because there is a calculation where doctors can predict height or something based on.... arbitrary values I dont understand? Im 5'6. UUUGH, not too smart either, real dumbhead. point is, dont think anyone is going to listen to me, but I have reason to believe I have NCAH. Debunk ig?

I dont really know where to talk. Next month, video appointment for a gender assessment: already had 3 in the past confirming 'gender in-congruence' apparently I need a fourth. Its the NHS, its tavistock, its the UK, its 2026. The world is in a very horrible place, Im pushing 30. I fears about being turned down because i desisted. Spoilers? Well, I had something horrible happen involving a friend overseas doing a silly years ago and I prefer not to be on the phone to the RCMP at 2 or 3am in the morning because she was a dumbhead ig. Shes okay now, but she did something back then that scared me after a passing of another friend. Thats what put my life on hold.

What i fear, is the gic is gonna turn me away. How can I explain to them, that the physical dysphoria i feel is more pertinent to me? I feel like they'll make me go do all the social stuff while not even giving treatment for an entire year. I have enough going on that I think too delicate now, i cant take one more humiliation ritual. All i want, hrt and a stupid letter from a psychiatrist so I can get affirming surgery, whack the other off ig. What am I supposed to say? I feel like they will just pry and dissect me like a lab frog or something. "did you feel aroused by textiles" "did you steal clothes from your mom/sister and try them on" "do you stimulate yourself when you..." THOSE KIND. For me, always been asexual with a disgust for and severe dysphoria for the bottomy bits, the yuck. I just feel like they will question things about me that arent really in relation to how I experience my dysphoria.

I dunno. I have alot going on. End of this month, video appointment. My prediction if they dont turn me away? They find something to weaponize and gatekeep. I aint ready to do social anymore, too delicate. Did it in the past, but im different now. It can wait, my physical stuff is more urgent to me.

BWEH. I hate all of this that I said. Sorry its a bad read. Again, not good at the talk. Thanks.