Wendy Numba 9- freshly tasted and appropriately sauced 

TW: Brief mention of suicide

 

Long, probably grammar and typo errors 

Was watching Rhett and Link talk about their friend who passed and how impactful it is to share a relationship with someone and how it shapes us and helps us grow. Last November >!one of my friends from hs I hadn’t talked to in a long time took his life and his birthday!< is in May. Our lil core group all reached out to inform me and we all kind of reconnected and shared grief and perspective with each other.

 I’ve been reflecting a lot on how we really are all on this planet experiencing things and each other and sharing space. He would always say “it’s a mindset thing” and as a stupid teenager I disagreed. As I’ve grown it’s become a personal mantra and a code which I live and I learned he was right in every way. I really credit him with my core values and I’m sad I can’t reach out and tell him. Yes we lack a lot of control over our lives but we have the autonomy to choose how we react and address the things we experience. It’s so much easier to be peaceful and have a positive outlook than to wallow in despair. I’m sad the person who taught me that isn’t here for me to thank. 

So I reached out to someone I who is alive now, who I also lack closure with. My friend IBS Advocate and I were very close in highschool and were briefly roommates before our maturity, emotions, time and circumstance tested our relationship and pushed us apart. I, admittedly, didn’t know I was in love with her and we had what was probably closer to codependency and no boundaries than a thriving close friendship but I always felt intoxicatingly seen by her. I think now it was the same flavor of neurodivergence, but when you go through life feeling other and misunderstood it’s so thrilling to never have to explain yourself. 

She knew me and I knew her and sometimes we would kiss each other when we got drunk and she was so beautiful. Once before she abruptly moved out of our apartment I came into our shared bathroom while she was showering (like I said no boundaries, regular occurrence for both of us) and she popped her head out and kissed me on the lips so sweetly and gently. I remember telling my therapist that having her was basically having a romantic relationship and I didn’t know how to fulfill my time without her. It really broke me to loose someone I never saw living without, I didn’t think something like what we had would ever end.

After she moved out, she kind of ghosted me off for several months, I called her, we talked in December of 2019 and had a real break up. Into 2020 we kind of made up and talked through or issues but the damage was done and we lacked the knowledge and skills to navigate mending what we had. Covid only increased the gap and I had a new relationship at that time (my current bf) that kind of swept me up and filled the void that had been created. But I never really got over my bff. I had never had such an intimate, intense and confusing relationship as this and it suck with me for years. A huge mix of emotions overcame me whenever I thought about it. I thought about reaching out all the time but I never knew what to say and I just couldn’t deal with it. 

I honesty was still in love with her for a long time into my current relationship and it hindered our growth. I truly do love my boyfriend and I wouldn’t change him for the world but if we were having an argument or going through a rough patch (of which there were several) I would fantasize about Her. In the past two years my bf and I have grown personally and together and I think I was finally able to process the whole thing and move on. I finally felt completely secure with the person I was with and what we are working toward and I can’t have space for something that doesn’t exist. 

While my ex friend and I did blur the lines a lot, we were definitively never “together” in the official sense. I still miss the friendship. I miss her. She was so cool and fun and interesting and someone I cherished having in my life. I saw that video and heard those words and shed a few tears and got to work. She read it 8 minutes after it delivered and left me on read UNTIL 7 pm. I cried again reading the text back. I live in Oregon now so once I gather myself I will respond but I just feel weird. I feel regret that I didn’t reach out but also she could’ve too. Life is weird. Friendships are weird. Love is weird. 

I don’t think we could’ve grown together but I’m sad we had to spend so much time apart. It’s also weird to imagine what would’ve happened if I did tell her I was in love with her. Honestly, when I thought about texting in the past it was just to tell her that I did have feelings for her. It makes me confused about my friendships now. When I get close to a friend I feel like I’m almost too close, interested and attached and feel far to rejected when they need their own space. I try to manage myself internally and work through it as it happens but I feel like I can’t allow myself intimate friendships because I get lost. I have a boyfriend and he’s my best friend and I feel the same way, like I’m addicted to the gratification of connecting with someone, receiving their attention and like being their priority. I almost feel manipulative or narcissistic.  

I wish I was able to find higher fulfillment and satisfaction from just living so I didn’t have to chase the good feelings in life. Anyone else out here dealing with friend break up feels, dopamine addiction and the dichotomy of joy and melancholy? 

TLDR : I was in love with my best friend when we were teenagers, never told her. Our relationship didn’t work out good. Haven’t talked since 2021. Reached out today, was left on read and she just responded. Feeling conflicted but mostly like I wish she was here rn and we could hug and cry together. 

Feeling weird about friendship, reached out to my ex bff (that I was in love with) in a moment of weakness. She replied