33F started dating my ex 33M 2 years back. We were together for 1.5 year, been on and off ever since. Not a single person I know has suggested me to go back to him, I cant even tell my bff about it because she will be so very disappointment in me. I'm even losing self respect and idk I keep going back to him, entertaining and pursuing him.

Issues:

1. Can only spend 5-10hrs a week with me. Meet mostly during the week days, never got saturdays. No more than 20 min calls.

2. Even if we did meet on the weekends, it'd be after golf, gym or some other event/chore cutting the day in half. By the time he meets me he is burnt out and wants to nap.

3. He is so extroverted (I'm too) but spread thin that he has horrible time managment. Doesn't plan in advance, hogs my day and makes me wait multiple hours. sometimes. He double/tripple books me at times.

I have to book time with him 4-5 days in advance, which still at times gets cancelled last min. Can only see him spontenously if I drive to him, hang out with his family and friends. 

4. We live an hour apart, I had to drive to him mostly so it  drained me but then I also still have to plan the dates too. He is spontenous/nonchalant.

5. I'd go over and still have to wait in my car upto 30mins or an hour sometimes.

6. We only had one vacation together in 2024 after I bugged him for months. After that he'd plan some but never did, how he's busy and doesnt wanna spend money. I learnt he went to 3 different vacations with hia family after our breakup. 

7. Tells me we cant dine more than 2 days a week, if I want that then it makes me a gold digger. I make 2x as him, 5x his savings. Alternatively pay for bills.

8. His anger and gaslighting makes all of this so much worse. I asked him why was he connected these insta models and his ex on ig, and he goes why are you stalking me? He yells at me, talks in a demeaning tone when I question him about his behavior, esp when he is drunk

9. He tells me all I wanna do is nag and complain, never happy. I'm crazy so thats why the relationship didnt work out. I dont want to move on from the past etc etc. 

10. There was a death in my family, I called him to grieve and he tells me his cousins are over partying(regular occassion) so he cant be on the phone. When I got upset over it he told me if I expect him to drop everything when I'm in trouble then I'm selfish.

11. Got locked out my car once, called the roadside assisstance. I called him for emotional support, tells me it's his turn at golf and returns my call 30mins later.

Ofc these are only a handful of stories, there are so many more. Now ofc there are good things too, when we both are calm and having a good time, everything is great. Our chemistry is amazing. I see admission of guilt on some of these things when he is in a good mood. But it's a viscious cycle, 1 day is good then we're apart for 6 days and get into fights. I get anxious, he gets avoidant and it continues.

I will give him that I'm anxiously attached with abandonment issues so there are times where I should have stopped overexplaining or seeking closures. I have anxiously called him in the past, blown up his phone on a few occassions, which I shouldn't have done at all. I definitely need to get way way better at regulating myself in the moment and give him space.

Now I know I should have some self respect and move the hell on, I am trying my hardest. I'm ashamed of my decisions. Idk why I keep letting him back and/or pursuing him. Please give me some tips, yank me out of it.

Struggling to get out of a bad relationship