AITA for wanting to bring the partner of my brother to his funeral?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/anonythrow_away

AITA for wanting to bring the partner of my brother to his funeral?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!homophobia, death of a loved one!<

BoRU 1 Posted by u/almostselfrealised

Original Post June 23, 2020

A little over a month ago, my little brother who was 26 passed away in a motorcycle accident. His death was so sudden and its hit my family very hard. I honestly still can’t believe it.

With covid and now this unexpected loss, we had no idea how to organize a funeral while dealing with our grief. My brother always said he wanted to be cremated when he died so at least we were able to honor his wish.

It also made it a little easier to take our time to plan a proper service for him without worrying about his body.

The week my brother passed, I drove to his apartment to pick up some of his stuff and met his roommate (I’ll call him M), who my sister already told the news. Only I came to find out M was more than that. He was my brother’s boyfriend of 5 years. He was so heartbroken and upset he didn’t even try to hide the fact that they were a couple.

While I was a bit surprised, I had my suspicion growing up that he might like guys. But I never said anything. Being his older brother and all, I figured he’d come to me when he was ready. I wound up staying for hours talking to M about my brother and going through photos.

Since then I kept contact with him to see how he’s coping and I started visiting a lot just so we both had someone to talk to. He’s a great guy and I’m really happy my brother found someone like him to spend his years with. Having these talks with M have also made me feel a lot closer to my brother again.

My brother distanced himself from our family at 18 and didn’t keep much contact with anyone; even me despite us being as close as two brothers can be. Which looking back now, I guess I can see why.

My family was finally able to organize a proper funeral service for my brother. The service is scheduled for this Friday. We’re still limited on how many people can be there so only close family will be attending and it’ll be live-streamed for everyone else.

I really think M should be at the funeral. He just lost the love of his life and he really wants to be there too. We decided to tell my parents he’s a really close friend of my brother’s. My sister, who apparently knew about them flipped when she found out.

She told me not to bring M because our parents will question who he is and it might expose the truth about my brother being gay since they never met him before.

We argued over this and she pretty much thinks I’d be an asshole for letting M possibly face ridicule from our family if they found out who he was. (they’re all close minded)

And also a terrible son if i upset my parents over my brother being gay while they’re still grieving him. This is all IF they find out. I don’t know if they will but it still doesn’t seem fair to not let M be there when he was such an important person in my brother’s life.

I feel like it’s only right to bring him but maybe I’m letting my emotions get the best of me and maybe someone with a different perspective can tell me. AITA?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

gunslingrkitteh

In a perfect world, your sister’s concerns wouldn’t matter - but it’s not a perfect world. To me, if M knows the risks and is willing to come anyway, let him. Maybe your parents will surprise you and be happy that your brother found someone so wonderful? NTA, by the way.

OOP

I highly doubt it. They’re not the most open minded people when it comes to the LGBTQ community. M is aware of the risks and knows how my family is. I really don’t think there’s a possibility he’ll be outed somehow, but my sister seems to think so

~

Domitacus

M deserves to be there

OOP

I agree and I’m so glad others do too.

UPDATE: THANK YOU so much to everyone for your support and assuring me we’re doing the right thing here. I know I won’t be able to reply to every single comment so just wanted to express my gratitude.

Also I did want to say since people keep telling me to warn M about my family. He is well aware of how they are since my brother told him all about them and knows what he might be dealing with if anyone finds out. He still made the choice to be there and prefers being introduced as only my brother’s best friend. Not because of my family’s homophobic views, but because he wants peace for himself at the funeral.

If anyone does find out though, he won’t be alone. I’ll be standing by his side so anybody wanting to cause problems will be dealing with me.

So please don’t worry. I won’t let anyone ruin this last chance for us to say goodbye to my dear baby brother.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update Aug 21, 2020 (2 months later)

Many of you were asking for an update so I thought I’d share.

Here’s the original post btw.

AITA for wanting to bring the partner of my brother to his funeral?

M went to the funeral and I introduced him to everyone as my brother’s roommate and best friend. My sister was visibly bothered but she didn’t say anything. As expected, everyone including my parents were too upset to think about him being there and were still welcoming towards him. They didn’t speculate or react the way my sister thought they would. I knew they wouldn’t. We were all focused on my brother.

It was a beautiful service. I’m glad M was a part of this and that my brother got a proper send off. It was very difficult and it hurt so much to say goodbye. I really hope we did right by my brother and it was how he would’ve wanted it.

Thank you to whoever suggested an urn necklace that M could keep some of my brother’s ashes in. I brought this up to him and asked if that was something he wanted. I was going to get part for myself while my parents kept most of it. And then I would just split the ashes with M.

M didn’t know that was a thing but said he liked that idea. He got himself a beautiful pendant to keep the ashes in and he really loves it so thanks again to the person who commented this! It was a lovely suggestion and it means so much to him to have a piece of my brother with him at all times.

I have still kept contact with M since the funeral. He’s stopped by a couple times and has finally met my wife and daughter. I also try to see him when I have the chance just to make sure he’s okay. This has understandably taken a huge toll on him. He told me he’s started talking to someone to help cope with the grief, which I think is great.

I myself had a bit of a wake up call that therapy was something I very much needed right away. My wife brought it to my attention that our 5 year old has noticed I’ve stopped eating and now she doesn’t want to either unless I do.

Don’t know I guess I haven’t been able to eat because I feel like I don’t deserve it if that makes any sense.

It hit me that what I’m going through was starting to affect my family so I’m currently looking up grief counseling in my area. I’ve also made an effort to eat more in front of my daughter so she knows that I’m fine and it’s okay to eat, hiding the fact that it still makes me sick to my stomach.

Things are still rough and wounds are yet to heal but we’re all surviving. Thank you everyone for all your kindness and support. It was very reassuring to know that this was the right thing and M deserved to be there. Thinking back now, it should’ve been a no brainer but emotions were high and it was better to get an outsiders perspective. I appreciate everyone’s input and I hope you all have a wonderful day!

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