I just wanna be Beautiful

This is just a vent don't dm me to private, I won't kill myself sadly because I am a coward don't give me stuff like everyone is beautiful or that it doesn't matter nothing of it gets better because for me it will only get worse

My life is pointless it doesn't have a goal that I can realistically achieve (like making a good family and having kids to live for and giving them care and a good future) no hobbies, atleast I have 1 friend.. That's something compared to the countless of people who has treated me like shit, my family they aren't abusive persee but I wish they didn't existed in my life I wish to be alone like completely alone in the dark that always soothes me I am just gonna study become a psychologist work and die (in the best scenario) but hell the worst thing is being ugly and short as a man it's like no one see you as a equal or human no matter what I try it always ends badly for me, it's funny I always have pessimistic thoughts about interactions and socializing and after that I ignore them put my best face and try just for life to reassure my thoughts I've found that the only thing that can bring me the slightest of peace is escapism and the absurdism of the cruelty of life not just to me but to everyone my family thinks.. I now they do that I am stupid that I am a little crybaby bitch just because I didn't have their struggles, because i won't have a blue collar job there's nothing I can do realistically to avoid my future, I will live on a shitty isolated apartment working for God knows why if I am not saving for a bullet, but all this shit it could be endured if I just was pretty and tall I don't even care for being loved because I've only wanted true unconditional love and that doesn't exist I just want people to praise me to approve me to feel good with myself so the nightmares I had when I was a kid where my face fall or I rip it off vanished