I'm a creep, and i don't think i want to continue on anymore

I've engaged in creepy, clingy, manipulative and narcicistic behavior toward partners, lovers and prople I'm attracted to. Lovebombing, traumadumping, parasocial stuff, innapropriate flirting, seeking superficial relationships? behavior that really sickens and upsets me and behavior i find hypocritcal I'm not a rapist or a child molester but i have engaged in selfish and exploitative behavior towards people and i know and I don't think i should get off scott free it angers me that there are so many people in the world that do the things that I've done and don't even try and apologize that I'm contributing to a cycle of ignorance

I know I had a very isolated negligent childhood, that im autistic, that I've suffered a concussion in the past few years, that i myself have been sexually harrassed and assaulted, i have every excuse for my behavior, and I've even apologized or at least tried to apologize to several people but i can't get over it. Not because in afraid of accountability i don't care what people think of me. If everyone on earth knew what kind of a person I've been honestly I'd be way more ok with it at least that's fair, but because i know even in something as pure as my love for others i am incompetant, a thoughtless reckless invalid who will take the purest impulses of people, innocent people, vulnerable peoole, people who loved me and did there best for me and wasted it

My father was a rapist, my father beat my brother, never me, and maybe I'd never be like that but even as a child i let it happen, in many ways I'm worse than him. I've failed to fully be better

I don't really think morally i should kill myself, in my religion its comparable to murder and to be quite honest it seems cowardly like I'd be trying so hard to run away from harm i have done and could do that i miss what good ive got left

I have a girlfriend now, she says I'm "one of the good ones" that in so different that i try, but i know for a fact that if i stopped trying or caring I'd be a creep and an abuser. i don't want her to wake up one day with a corpse but i feel dirty, i know i could easily not be "one of the good ones" that i haven't been one and even the people who know me best haven't the right to forgive me

I'm genuinely considering buying a gun when i next get paid, though that does feel cowardly it feels more like running from bad I've done or could do tban earnestly facing the good that's still possible but how could i get married knowing I'm the kind of sleezrbah guy who could ne an adulterer. How could i have kids knowing there's 5 or 6 generations of child abusers in me? I'm already impatient and impetuous.

I'm not some callous psychopath, in fact my frustration comes from a deep deep fear of hurting people. I don't want to do it anymore and I'm sure hurting everyone one last time is better than another ten or twenty years of being a sleezevall like my parents while i emotionally glom on to everyone i love like a parasite. It's humiliating that my girlfriend can't actually be with "one of the good ones" i think every day how i care so much about her and how i know that it'll end in disaster that I'll fuck something up. Everyone is so fucking kind and permissive with me and I'm this debauched narcissist obssesed with sating my own loneliness