a week into recovery and im breaking down every day

i have untreated arfid and ocd and unfortunately have landed myself in the hospital again because i haven't eaten anything except crackers for nearly two years and almost lost my life as a result

i dont care about my weight, i don't care about my appearance. thats not the kind of eating disorder arfid is. whats killing me is the way i feel physically— extreme bloating, excruciating stomach pain and discomfort, nausea and acid reflux, trapped gas and constipation, the works

i have a feeding tube to fall back on, but i try to eat what i can by mouth. 3 meals and 3 snacks a day over the course of 2 hours. its a lot, especially when ive only ever eaten crackers for years. i feel like my stomach is gonna explode and my guts are gonna fall out because of all of the pressure

pain meds dont work. gas-x and tums are a hit or miss. i don't know if the zofran actually works or if its a placebo effect. suppository also didn't work and now i need an enema and im scared because ive never had one before

i feel so alone in my experience and i find myself lashing out at the nurses who are just trying to help me because of how much physical and mental strain im under. its not fair to them and i think i just want to hear the words "i understand" from people who actually do. from people who have actually lived it and gone through it. maybe tell me that it gets better and actually mean it. i need support but i don't know how to ask. im lost