My (29M) gf (30F) had an argument about marriage.

Greetings Reddit.

This is a vent and an ask for advice concerning my gf and I. I met my gf in secondary school (high school). I was 16 in my final year and entering communi4y college, she was 16 in the year below me.

All her early life she has battled with chronic illnesses and the female roll models advising her that men are evil and only want one thing so you should just eat his money. Despite that, marriage is a big thing for her.

We've gone through a lot in our relationship, including a break up of a few months in our 7th year and a 2 year break up in our 9th year or so. Our relationship had gotten toxic and the arguments were hurtful. I left.

We've been back together for 2 years almost to the day and there's been a lot of developments. She's done therapy and so have I and we've had a better understanding of our flaws and how we made things difficult for each other.

Right now our biggest argument is centered around marriage. She feels extremely strongly about marriage as a bond and the titles of husband and wife. I don't care as much as long as im with her. In addition, I work night shifts as a security officer and I own a digital media company. I try to get editing done during the day and work night shifts and pick up any extra shifts I can so I can get out of debt. I'm also reapplying for college to try to get my bachelor's. My gf works in a secondary school (high school) and as such she's more like an 8-3. As such our schedules tend to clash a lot.

I usually go to bed around the time that she is getting to work, and wake up when she's leaving work so there's not much time to talk then, and when she's back home she's taking care of her household while im working to edit. I've managed to provide her with a laptop and software good enough that she's able to get work done at my home, but my desktop setup is too cumbersome to bring to her home for an afternoon.

I drive and she doesn't and she says she's afraid of my dog so she cant come over to my home after work unless I bring her. So I don't see her unless I make the time to go to her home to see her. However between my night schedule and having to edit during the day or work on my car so it can keep taking me to work or see her, my times to go meet her are very limited.

My gf lives in a household where her mother, herself and her younger (middle) sister works while her youngest sister says she doesn't like working so she'll just stay home. Between the 3 working women they pay their rent, bills, groceries, meanwhile her youngest sisters plays the ps5 and lays around the house.

I live with my mom, I make a contribution to groceries and bills but it's way less than living on my own. I've told my gf tonight that I cannot currently afford to move into my own place, pay the totality of the household costs (bills, rent, groceries) in order for her to move in with me in my own place, while she still funds the house with her mother and sisters. And since she can't afford to share the household cost with me while still paying the bills over at the house with her mother and sisters then it's not an option for me to move out of my mom's place. I've also told her that I don't feel like moving into her place is an option as that's their home and I don't feel like I would have any say in that place while having to enter the rent/ bills/ groceries equation, meanwhile her sister would still be doing nothing, additionally my schedule isn't going to change any time soon.

I make good money doing the night shifts along side my own business, it's helping me crush my debts and actually make developments for myself. I can take us on dates, I can buy her gifts, nothing extravagant yet but I'm getting to a place with more disposable income. I can make progress on myself.

We were at a family gathering tonight where my family made her feel welcomed again, my grand mother basically endorsed our relationship and told us that she likes my gf for me. It's a big thing for my gf to be accepted by my family and they absolutely did accept her. We were speaking candidly and I told her I have some things that kinda rub me the wrong way at times and I feel like we need to sort them out before we can step into marriage. One of those things is the fact that my gf, who lives with her mom and her 2 younger sisters wants to build a home that will house them along with us and use it as our marital home. I told her that I feel like id be accepted there, even welcomed there, but it won't feel like my home. She suggested she would only have her mother in the same space (think 3 bedroom where it's mine n hers, her mother's and a spare) and her sisters will live in the same structure but just with their own apartments to live with their partners.

Just the logistics of that is already a nightmare to me but I've just said that I don't think it will feel like my home, it will always feel to me like their home and I'm allowed to be there. I also brought up how I like physical affection and intimacy. I mean holding hands, kissing the back of her hand, kissing her cheek or lips, hugs and cuddles meanwhile she says she feels shy if she thinks any of her family can see it especially her little sister and that she has to set an example for them so she cant be kissing me and things like that in front them. I said that I understand not being explicit but when it comes to little acts of love like that it makes me feel like there's little value to her. She said she can try with the intimacy but she can't tell me about the rest because that's how she grew up and it's just ingrained in her.

I'd like to also touch upon my job situation which is one of the things I want to sort out before marriage. Technically im employed but there's no contract. I get paid a flat rate per shift to work 20 shifts a month (8hr shifts from 11pm to 7am) however whenever there's a call out or scheduling issue, im called to cover the shift. For the month of April I only spend 4 days not at work. The rest were a mix of single, double and at one point quadruple shifts. I got into the office on Saturday night and went home Monday morning. So because of that im trying to get back into college to get my bachelor's. I've applied already just waiting on a response. I want to have a degree that allows me a career to take care of my family I build with her. I've told her that.

Tonight when I dropped her home, she started asking me again when am I going to marry her. When I reminded we literally just spoke about these things 20 mins ago she got upset and said she doesn't understand if I want to marry her why is it taking so long to engage her and just marry her she's already 30. There the argument started again because I feel like she's telling me she cannot tell me when what im concerned abt will be addressed or can be addressed but then turning around and asking me why cant I give her a time frame to get married. She's telling me she loves me and wants to be with me alone and im supposed to just accept her word, but when I say the same she says she cannot believe me because im a man, she needs marriage. It got to the point where despite me practically pleading with her to understand that being with her is the easiest thing and not at all a problem, but I want to be able to address these concerns so we don't have arguments popping up all the time as a couple. She decided that I said I don't want to marry her and started to cry. Because she's already 30 and not married and I cannot give her a definite answer on when I will marry her despite us agreeing the end goal was marriage.

So what do I do? The argument ended she was leaving I got frustrated feeling like im begging her to believe me the same way I believe her and her telling me she can only believe me if I marry her so I told her its whatever she wins and left to go to work.