my friends left me a month ago and i cant do this anymore

i’m a voice actor who had a friend group online. on april 8th, a few of my friends left me because of my mental state. i wanted to respect their decision, i really did, but ever since i’ve felt so isolated. nobody messages me anymore besides a couple of people. the whole point is that they wanted me to “get better” but honestly i feel worse than if they actually told me upfront that i was making them uncomfortable earlier. i’m a horrible horrible human being who has made the people i love most uneasy. i don’t have any irl friends, and i can’t go to therapy at the moment. the pain i feel on the daily is unbearable. i’m genuinely considering taking the entire pill bottle and ending it soon. any advice..?