Am I with my bf only bc I'm scared to disappoint women?

28f. In a 4 year relationship with a man but I'm very confused about my sexuality and if I want to stay in the relationship.

With lots of reflection I've noticed my thoughts about women and men are very different.

When I was single and I'd see a good looking man, I would immediately think of what he'd be like in bed and have this game mentality where there's a power dynamic of getting them to want me and having the satisfaction when they do. I'd approach them confidently and not be scared to flirt or say what I want. I would shamelessly ghost men, break their hearts with no regret, and generally treat them like shit. I also tend to want them to be rough and throw me around/dominate me. (Not the case for my current bf, he was always different but I still had this chase and we were first just fuck buddies)

There's was this show I watched (can't remember the name of it) where this straight guy got abused by a man and thereafter was bi but only wanted rough dirty sex and he even reflected on how the trauma affected his sexuality. Which lead me to think the same thing–when I was 14 I was regularly sleeping with a group of pedophiles who were very manipulative and abusive; they took my innocence and showed me how a woman 'should' behave for a man–is my attraction to men just because of this? Is that why I was only attracted to rough, disrespectful relationships?

With women however, when I see someone who catches my eye, I'm immediately shy and all I can think about is how I would want to take them on dates, softly kiss and cuddle and learn more about them. Sometimes I can't tell if I want to be them or be with them. I still feel a sexual attraction but in a totally different way than with men. I feel like it comes secondary to everything else but I definitely want to take them to bed, just only I a soft, gentle loving way. The thing is that I've always been so scared to disappoint a woman that I never went further than kissing, despite having opportunities. I don't ever want to hurt a woman's feelings or disappoint them in bed, and boy am I scared that I'm not good enough. I'm also scared I won't like the taste of pussy (I can't stand sucking dick unless it's freshly cleaned).

As a kid (and still now tbf) I had crushes on Ke$ha and Miley Cyrus but never any men, and my first sexual experience was playing with my (girl) best friend's nipples–we stopped because I wanted to kiss her as a next step and she wanted to lick my nipples and neither of us were comfortable with each others' choices.

The problem here is that I don't know if I'm bi, or if I'm with my bf and have been with men because it's what is socially expected and am actually lesbian. I don't know if I want to still be in this relationship or if I'd be happier with a woman. These thoughts have been whispering to me for maybe a year or more now but seem to be ten fold after my mom passed away in February. My relationship is golden, really different from every other I've had before, it's on paper everything that should be in a good relationship: communication, quality time, acts of love, showing up for each other, supporting each others' growth etc. but I still wince at his touch sometimes and don't know if it's trauma or something else. The excitement and love I felt for him isn't the same and idk if that's because we've been together for so long, if he broke my heart beyond repair 2 years ago (bc of pron addiction), if it's because we have grown apart, if I'm lesbian, or because I'm grieving.

I guess I'm all this I'm confused as to what I should do. I'm trying. It to make any big decisions while in grief because that's obviously affected my emotions a lot but this feeling has been bubbling for longer than the grief.

Has anyone been in this situation? Did you stay in your relationship and forever wonder and women? Or did you leave? Did you regret leaving? What if I leave him and it's the biggest mistake of my life? When if it's the best decision I could have made?