I want to be better

I had a bad car accident when I was 16, broke a bunch of things and was lucky to be able to still walk and talk like I do now. I still hurt every day though, I’m 27 now and I have always struggled with it, I refuse to show weakness and feel a lot of pride in being able to do the same things that everyone else around me does at work and all that. A couple years ago I was not in a good headspace at all, I was abusing the pain pills that were prescribed to me and I had all the paperwork so it didn’t affect my job. I wanted to get a raise and move up and get my class A cdl license. The pills made that an issue so I decided to quit those cold turkey, it was easy when I had booze. Now I’m much higher up in my job, I found the most perfect woman that I could ask for. I should be the happiest man in the world but I’m still trying to get drunk every chance I can because I can’t sleep at night. I have this pain that looms over me and keeps me up at night and makes my mind roll, normally no good thoughts. I don’t know if many others here have experienced something like this but when I have good days I have the best day ever. I’m just struggling with the fact that on my bad days it seems so easy to throw everything that I have gotten into the trash. I’m looking for ways to avoid the drinking, or even how to appreciate more what I have now. I want to appreciate my life for what it is, I just can’t explain why that is hard sometimes.