I hate myself and i wanna talk about it a bit.

I don't know where to start. Im 15m and felt this way for a while now, i've kinda healed from it from what it was two years ago but i'll talk about it. I wouldn't say im a sad guy, really not the case im a happy boy, i laugh at everything and see life in sunshine and rainbow until i look in a mirror lol.

When i say i hate myself, i mean physically and mentally, i can't stand seeing myself in a mirror and i run away when someone pulls out a camera, my face is just ugly asf.. its way to fucking long, my eyes are crooked, my lips are too thin and my chin is way too long, not talking about my teeth, it look so fucking ugly i hate them so much...

I would say the rest of my body is ok, not more. Im tall and thats it. Im weaker than most people my age, i don't like to fight cuz i know i don't stand a chance.

I'll just look at pictures of myself while holding tears like an idiot because i see everyone else happy to take it. My best freind actually don't fucking understand that i don't want her to take pictures of me and she still does, i already look like shit but when im not even prepared its way worse..

Girls barely look at me, or when they do they laugh at me like an idiot, one time i was talking to a girl on msg, i sent her my face and got fucking blocked. I feel alone, i really want to date a girl, feel true teenage love and i lowk dream about it at night but i remember it'll probably never happen with how fucking ugly i look.

A few years ago, it was even worse. Its a bit far away from today but i still want to talk about it, i was 5.1 for 40 kgs at 14 which is ridiculous and yet i still felt like a fatass, i've starved myself until people started to notice it. I tried to harm myself once but i was lucky enough for the cissors to be too dull and notice the mistake i was doing.

Today i still feel like that weak kid with no freinds,

I do try to change as much as i can at my age, i do sport and go to training 3 times a week, i worked on my posture for my body and my head and im still looking for a haircut or a guy that look like me that could boost up my confidence.

I wouldn't say that im a good person either, i bullied a kid until he left school, hurt the only freinds i had (still my freinds) and did more horrible things.

I used to be gay, i say this because i've hated this to the point where i've forced myself to fall in love for a girl which worked. I've never felt in my place with anyone, i still struggle with fitting and start stressing out when anyone talk about those topics, not wanting to remember it much.

Dating a boy in middle school made it even worse, i wish i never did.

Im fucking lazy, i barely have good grades, i stay at home all day in the same clothes for the next month and do nothing. I really wish to be a photographer when i'll grow up but i haven't touched my camera in a year.

I would say its the end, i hope people who relate to this actually get better, thanks a lot to people who read it all, sorry if its a bit long !