How do you come to terms with how much you weigh?

Ever since I was a teen I weighed a bit more than my peers (chubby, not obese). I was a really active kid but I remember even at 7 years old weighing myself, giving myself a goal weight and feeling my thighs were too big. I was extremely sporty at that time, and in no way too large.

I also know where this feeling comes from - part being socialised in the early 2000s with super skinny as an ideal, part having been bullied when I was around 13 / developing severe sepression, part my family/especially mother pushing diets on me as early as 13. All in the name of "caring about my health". She and my mother were doing nasty remarks, it felt like being bullied at home.

So the quest of dieting began. I remember my mum putting me on a just-tomato juice diet at 13/14 for some days. From then on it was constant gaining and losing. Getting excited remarks from family members when I lost weight. Everyone, even in school, was so much nicer when I was skinny. I tracked calories, did sports, was obsessed with calories and weight loss.

When I was 17 I fasted for 20 days (only water and supplements). Everyone was so excited to see me skinny. No one really voiced concerns or anything about the sudden weightloss. I developed some restricion, binging pattern and with some help got over that weird relationship with food. But the years after I still did rounds and rounds of diet and gaining the weight back slowly. Despite all efforts.

Jumping to now: I weigh a bit more than I "probably should": female, 1,70m about 83kg but I also have quite a bit of muscle, like I can do 3 pull ups even with that much of the weight. I think when you look at me you would see someone who is clearly both chubby and has muscle.

Right now I do not really diet. My daily diet is okay, I get my nutrients, maybe/probably I snack a bit too much but no binges or anything. I do a lot of sports (gym and bouldering). My relationship with food is not bad. But I still think about "being skinnier". I am happy with my gym progress, I do feel strong and capable, I do not feel like my health is compromised, and a lot of times I like or at least accept how I look like. People do tell me I look good (probably because I gained muscle?). I like having gained muscles, I am really proud of that!

But there is still these voices in my head - "my thighs are too big", "people were nicer when I was skinny", "I looked better then", "I look too bulky/fat with the muscle and then fat on top", "I wish shopping for bras, pants, and other clothes would be easier", I envy the skinny girls, "I would be so much better at bouldering and cardio if I lost 10kg", "If I just did a long fast again, I could look great in basically no time"

tl;dr: How can I accept the fact that I look chubby/bulky as a female and not drift into an obsessive diet mindset again. I would love to quiet down these thoughts. Can you relate to these thoughts and have some advice?