I think Im going to end my life today.

Hello 18M here and over the course of a couple months I realized how much of a horrible person I am. I’ve been contemplating options like running away and punishing myself permanently, but Ill explain why. Reddit may take this down so for the sake of guidelines

This story is fake. wink wink.

1. When I was around 8-9 me and my cousin engaged in some weird sexual activity. I don’t believe it was as damaging as SA, but I actually don’t know. Apparently my cousin had brought it up in therapy. My auntie went on a tangent to say that my Father had raped me as a child therefore I did something to her daughter but that simply wasn’t true. We never got a chance to sit down and talk about this and never got to know what my cousin really said. As far as I’m concerned a lot of our “encounters” weren’t forced but maybe there are somethings I don’t remember or repressed.

2. When I was around 12-14 my little brother and my little sister used to sleep in my room and when they fell asleep. I would masturbate. I don’t think they ever caught me or at least knew what I was doing but it was something horrible that I did.

3. when I was around 14-16 I found these doujins(japanese NSFW comics) where there would be a young boy with an adult woman. I wasn’t attracted to the boy but the adult woman and I guess the “dominance” It sounds really weird and it is. I stopped looking at these comics completely at 17 when I really began to grasp how weird it was.

I also masturbated to characters who were young but when drawn by NSFW artists they looked older with different physical proportions so I thought it was fine. I also stopped masturbating to these animations as well.

4. When I was 13 I met a girl on discord names kylie and we dated each other for awhile. She sent explicit photos to me and I sent shit back. We broke and sometimes I would go back to the old stuff she sent me and masturbate to them. Now I don’t think I did this, but I may have masturbated to something she sent me when she was 13 while I was 15 and thats fucking disgusting and I wasn’t really even thinking about how horrible this was. IF i did it, and I still don’t know if I did.

5. When I was 11 I committed an act of sexual violence that I did fully not understand at all. I believe it was due to my exposure to pornography and masturbation. I feel horrible about it and its my biggest regret. Its like I just acted on impulse. This only happened once and never again.

Ive come to realize that maybe I am just evil. Maybe this is just a cope out but I can’t help but accept that everything I’ve done just means that Im a horrible person. I mean if other people I knew heard of the actions I’ve committed I would ultimately be defined by my actions and deemed evil. Maybe this is just all I ever been.

Now that you know everything. How should I punish myself. I honestly believe ending my life is the only option for me at this point. Even if I’ve changed or grown as a person. These actions seem as if they define me. If my friends knew they would hate me or if anyone knew for that matter. What should I do?