not-so-brief expressions of my feelings on connections

logistical compatibility:
i define this term as two people’s upfront compatibility for their features such as “living in different countries” “incompatible sexual preferences” “incompatible age difference” “incompatible life goals”

these features can get more superficial (two people who live in different countries who do not wish to be in a long distance relationship) and more deep-seated or intimate (John defining Jane as a person with a very large capacity for love, but strongly sensing that something very specific he fundamentally is to be difficult for Jane to accept due to a very specific trauma she had withstood in the past).

my declaration:
i have had emotionally destructive experiences with people i felt attracted to in the past. this will be my vulnerable declaration aimed at clarity about who i am and believe. when i meet a gay man who knows i am gay and we seem to be getting on really well i start feeling a tension in my chest due to this fear which is intricate therefore i will attempt to describe its functioning:

nothing and no one in my life has been more loyal to me than the work of those seeking the truth, than science. i have only felt and recognized any growth in me when i chose to give up on desperately wanting to believe a less painful fantasy and attempted to grieve for my current reality. i believe this is the best way for anyone to live. therefore one of the things i believe is the best possible outcome of any relationship (relationship will be defined as any form of connection between two people throughout this text) is predetermined by these physical compatibilities, and with time this direction will make itself clearer and clearer. to optimize the clarity of this process there are some principles one should subscribe to. my fear will change intensities depending on my perception of the strength of these principles being held by the other.

expanding this idea with a brief definition of my wording of love:
love exists as one form despite many unrelated mental functions being called so. friends love friends. parents love their children. lovers love lovers. fascists love jewish, gay and black people\* (this is a funny sentence pulling attention to the mishandled anger directed towards self manifesting in ways that deter us from the reality of every living beings existence and happiness being equally invaluable. if all the functions feeding into antisocial behavior were lifted we would exist as creatures who believe in love only. this is very reductionist and many themes here will be reduced to survival and death)

this love i define is unconditional; it only cares that something can feel pain and pleasure and decides it deserves none of the pain and all of the pleasure. that no one should have to do anything to deserve love and that they are incapable to ever do anything to lose deserving love.

our desperation for closeness stems from an ingrained subconscious expectation of being loved by a lot of people unconditionally in our nature and past, and once again a subconscious knowledge that we are infinitely deserving of love. in the modern times we have given up on complex forms of friendships and we only (if at all) catch this level of intimacy in very long term relationships. the reality is many of us, many who have ridiculed others for being things they consciously refuse they are despite subconsciously knowing they also are, have given up hopes that this form of love is even possible, silencing this inherit belief. it was lost when children were being taught they had to act a certain way to be loved, it was lost when classmates in primary education laughed at them for being overweight, it was lost when at high school they heard someone whisper their name when they were having a bad acne day, it was lost when at middle age they had ended up lonely despite the decades of desperate efforts.

the healthy relationships though are in many ways conditional. this is not due to a lack of love but the existence of uncontrollable realities. the best way to understand this is looking at the way we maintain the healthy relationships. we are there because our guts tell us we are safe. if we could feel this safety by just wishing to, if this didn’t depend on the way our guts responded to different people we would have chosen to be happy and that would be the end of it. therefore some of us have made inward expeditions to comprehend the functionings of this gut and found out that we can summarize them to how well the stimuli we receive align with our needs. can this person put in the effort to understand my needs? will they be willing to explore my inland empire? when they do, will they truly, authentically and consciously embrace, respect and adore it? will they recognize and accept that i have limited control over my needs and will they embrace the powerlessness so that they will do their best to deal with this reality even if it requires me being left alone and put faith that ill fight for the relationships survival and authenticity?

these uncontrollable realities can be treated in many ways, from acceptance to exploration and resolution. for example sexual orientation should be accepted, and fear of beards when talking to a man with a beard you are so desperately in love with could be worth exploring. throughout all of this there also are some things to try to have faith in, that some things will take leaps of faith after many genuine understandings and settlements; things like the belief that the other is on your side, or that they are willing to conquer their fears if they are aware they paralyze actions towards legitimate interests.

to navigate all of this as a relationship(colleague, family, friend, lover) starts to form and grow, often a very thin line must be walked. with me i feel its thinner than most and i hate this fact more than anyone else ever could.

description of the fear: if i ever sense a deeper expectation than those i will describe below, i will swiftly fear that there is no space for my need to take the time and space to explore what each of our physical compatibilities are, therefore i will feel that there is no grounds for an authentic and mutual space. i fear that the other will expect things that i wasnt ready for due to what i said above and this will hurt them and make the future of the connection seem dimmer.
here id like to add another angle to this to clarify the meaning. you can stereotype and deintellectualize this fear as the first person openly communicating expectations because of falling weak to the almost universal desperate desire for this deeper connection and disconnecting from and turning blind to realitys necessity for excessive time to establish the best possible relationship reality will offer them. beyond this, there also might be a feeling that there will be no effort or space for their appreciation if the other party wishes to “remain friends”, further killing the authenticity.

therefore and because of my struggles with past intimate events, i need a lot of space with any relationship in the form of safe expectations.

lets lay them out? :(

what you can safely expect:
\-if you are honest and realistic about how you feel i will do my best to provide the safe space to talk through them.
\-you can expect honesty and that your interests will be an authentic concern to me. i have an annoyingly loud conscience and it hurts the hell out of me if i even dare to consciously consider deceiving people.
\-you can also expect me to be in a range of emotions through the weeks, i am better at communicating and controlling any impulses towards destruction but sometimes my willpower is stretched very thin so i may text inconsistently but this will almost always because of an inner hopelessness rather than an avoidance towards you
\-i don’t handle sexual humor very maturely if there is any scent of flirt in them. if it is in any way directed towards me the fear will quickly be triggered.

it isnt ever a death sentence to the affection, but it can define a pattern for a healthier connection

what anyone should do is consciously keep the expectations to those they’d hold towards friends and nothing more. i hope ive elaborated how this will almost always lead towards the better outcomes