Can someone re-guide me please

Im 30 and unemplyed, stays in parents home.

I went thru very deep spiritual experiences in my life...

I just want to cry now but Im typin this...

So normal life, eating sleeping trying to figure out getting a job.

I want to change the path now or u could say realign the career goal. I found a job which I think I will get it. It takes time for preparation where I have to buy a course which costs like 53$ which will help me with all the required material and classes and mock tests. Will be ready for the exam to ace it

Since Im unemployed, I asked my dad. Could you please give me the money, he mocked me alot, still 30 dont know what ur doing, how many years we have to pay you and all loser talk.

It hurted me alot in my heart. Why am I like this, why I am such a guy in life.

this is my case...

now lets talk about universe, life, atoms, quantum, way, being...

so the universe in infinite

in between the human body

the depth within goes till quantum

and the spirit inside, the watcher watching

the alignment, the pattern, the feeling

I know I will die in few years and nothing matters anyway... even if Im a loser or a successful person or good or bad or human or pig or anything

so rite now here & now. Im in pain, my heart ache, my soul cries. just cause I dont have a job or money with me.

I dont wanna judge anyone, anything in life...

I believe everything is happening as it is...

My question to you, being a loser and woke. How can live?

I know all the feelings I should feel or dad projecting the negative words

Like the quote says you don't get what u want in life, but what you need in life.

the problem with me is, its hurting me inside alot. I know it doesn't matter but it still hurts Im a nobody in this universe

earth doesn't care or universe doesn't care, if I have job or now. But living as a human in this divine structure of life, I should have one by this age

Im from a third world country. I don't wanna judge people are not enlightened, I take up blame for everything.

If soul can see this, I just wanna say Im sorry. Every path I took is wrong, everything I thought is wrong, there is none which I did it rite. Im am sorry, thats all I can say

I may live more 20 years as loser, please bear with me my soul... Ill carry the pain

This job, success, money is nothing, it is just a way to live this human life to contuine till we die

Im not asking how to get a job or how to be succesful or help me figure it out

I just want to know its hurting me inside even tho I know this is all fake and everything is nothing

I will be and millions of years will pass by. Unvierse remakes itself. In the timeline of history Ima nobody

ok Im done with texting... I dont know if I asked what i wanted to ask, its a feeling thats all I can say...