when i came back

TW: suicide, depression

when i was very young, i struggled with depression. without going into detail, it was to the point where i tried to unalive myself at the age of 15. to note, i was and still struggle with depression (im on antidepressants now). but i’m not as helpless feeling as i was as a child.

i failed, thankfully, while trying to OD on pain meds. i felt my heart and body slowing down and getting very heavy.

i don’t remember sleeping but i remember a vivid dream. it felt like i was sucked up out of my body and mind. i didn’t see myself go up but felt my mind and soul (i guess you can say) go up very very fast.

i was surrounded by bright colors that i can’t even begin to explain how they looked. i remember speaking to someone or something and crying a lot. i wish i could remember but many weeks after i remembered the faint words. but i remember i felt regret and fear. so much sadness and yearning.

i remember being tapped on the forehead even though i don’t remember having a body. and when i was tapped on the head, i spun so fast back down and everything went black. i woke up.

my attempt failed. i ingested tons of pain meds. half a bottle of 100 pain meds. no hospital visits. and felt fine. since then i’ve been insanely afraid of death despite being so eager for it before. maybe it was a wake up call maybe it was something else. but since then i’ve had many dreams of flying and being “sucked up” from my mind and body.

since then i’ve randomly been able to know about things or people even though i’ve been asleep in another room or location.