I don't know how to let go

I've tried everything I can think of. I've abused the substances I've drank myself silly and I've sat in the silence for weeks on end. It comes in waves now, I'll be fine for a few weeks and then the memories come back and I'm down and out again. I've deleted the photos that keep popping up, it took hours to delete six years worth of photos but it was the only solution to what felt like stepping on landmines every time I open my phone. I wish you'd just speak to me, I only get angry because you won't. You refuse to give closure, you dont want to deal with the mess you made or the person you hurt and I get that to an extent. But you didn't have to spend so much time lying to me, lying that you wanted to be friends, lying that you loved me, lying that we'd be together forever. Idk what the timeline for heartbreak is but after six years together and six months apart I'm still hurting. I just miss the person I knew, saw and spoke too every day, why do you have to make me feel like that's an insane thing to do? Why was our relationship so easy to throw away? Why won't you give me answers and closure? I dont want to love you anymore but I fear I'll love the person you were forever.