I don’t know how to live past 25

I fully expected to commit suicide at 21. It was something I had thought vividly about since I was 11. I didn’t and still don’t see a point of my existence being important to anything or anyone. I was terrible at school. I have a very low GPA. I am not smart. I do not have the skill set or energy to commit to a very high paying job.

I have attempted three times. All three unsuccessful. All three different methods. All three times I went to psychiatric hold. Therapy can only hold me up for so long. And Anti depressants are too expensive.

I have amazing friends, but I cannot tell them how I feel because they themselves don’t need the pressure or the anxiety of me just…

My family never really understood how I feel. They don’t understand why I have depression. I don’t understand it either. They gave me a great childhood. It was…the other adults outside of family. And it didn’t help that both parents refused to accept my AuADHD diagnosis. So teachers in my life were…harsh on me.

I guess I am successful. I have a livable wage paying job. I am holding on my own enough that I don’t financially burden my family.

There are days now where I think of submitting myself to a 72 hour hold, but then I could probably lose my job because I need to be of sound mind when working. I am just, very good at masking it I guess. Then there are days where, I wish someone would just crash into my car and damage my body enough so I am not resuscitated.

At least then my organs would be meaningful to someone.

My 26th birthday is coming up. I don’t celebrate it because it was the day I chose to attempt twice on. It’s a sore subject now to my family, friends, and I. However I know this job I have technically has a time limit for my age and health. It’s not a job to keep after 35. Hell that’s pushing it. As it’s a physically demanding job as well.

So I guess that’s the new plan. Wait until I am let go from a job that I both love and financially supports me. But I also don’t want to put those close to me in a position to grieve me. To think that it was their fault. I don’t know how to assure them in the after life that it was what I have wanted most for a long time. And I pushed for them.