Came out, it went.... okay.... I guess... not really?

Hi hi hi fellow humans, I (21mtf), today after 3 long grueling years of being in my egg form, came out to both of my parents one at a time. But before i tell you about thatttt, for context, ill tell you all a little bit of my story... As a kid i never really fit into male social circles at school that well, and always felt like an outcast/ different in some way but i could never really put my finger on why. I changed myself to fit in throughout middle and high school, but always wound up alone again at the end due to my facades of happiness falling away over time and being replaced with the cold, mean, person i was becoming underneath due to my confusion with my identity. This was worsened when i went to a special high school, where I had not many friends. This is however where I met my only ever relationship.
Ironically enough, shortly after we started dating, they came out to me as a trans man. This marked the first exposure I had ever had to trans people at all. I was definitely confused/ didn't understand at the time, but didn't see any issue with it either and tried to stick it out anyway because i loved them. We joked about things like me wearing a dress to prom while they wore the suit (which i didn't hate the idea of, yet another sign looking back lol) Unfortunately, in the end things didn't really work out due to my mental state mostly, but It was a core experience in my life i feel that really helped move me towards finding out about myself. Somewhere around this time I also played Juliet in a school play of Romeo and Juliet. (yeah idk i cant see the signs. must be cis) At this point I was in my senior year of high school, and was devastated by having lost my relationship. I started smoking weed and vaping to take my mind off my still persistent confusion with myself and the new loss of my s/o. I was working a fast food job at the same time and went there after school every day till 10pm, leaving little to no time for me to have a social life at all.

My feelings and depression kept growing stronger and stronger until i graduated and went to college. where they persisted, however in a new form. I'm not really sure what the spark was that made me start thinking about my gender in college, It could have been a Tiktok for all i know I just don't remember. I had started to experiment with feminine clothing, makeup, etc. and found that i felt alot better/more comfortable with myself when i was in these more feminine positions/roles. I started growing my hair out, started shaving my entire body, and somewhere around that time discovered HRT ✨ as well as making my way into many of these online communities that ive lurked in for so long. from that point on its been a bit of a bumpy ride of just experimenting, accepting, and discovering.

As of right now, I live with my parents in my childhood room as of right now. After coming home from college still struggling with depression and being placed on academic probation, my life has been powered by addictions to nicotine (2 weeks clean today 🤞 🎉) and weed (im high typing this tbh) since my junior year of high school. I do have a job, and am actively working on getting a better one, I pay my dad every month for rent while also paying off student loans and my own phone bill/car insurance. So its not like im not doing anything at all with my life while im at home. But after 3 years of thinking and being scared and even longer than that of struggling with my identity in general, I decided today it was time to act.

Ill keep this first part short, I told my mother first through quite the embarrassing amount of tears, she hugged me and reassured that shed love me no matter what i decided to do, However also voiced that she would like me to see somebody for "multiple sessions" (idk how many this means but she said "6 months down the road" somewhere in this conversation) before taking any steps. I tried to explain the time sensitivity aspect of this and how id already been waiting for 3 years, and that testosterone isn't waiting for me to go to therapy for the next 6 months before it destroys my body more, but I just couldn't figure out how to explain it in a way that she would see it how i do. 😞

When i told my dad, my mom was there with me for support cause i was way more scared with him than with her. I got it out a lot faster this time however surprisingly, but with the same amount of tears lol. He also said hed love me no matter what even if he didnt understand, and that if i turned out to be a "full blown woman" (lol) in 10 years hed think thats awesome. I was honestly surprised by this in the moment and burst into even MORE tears when he said that. However, this is where things kind of went in a worse direction. My mother voiced to my father what she had told me about wanting me to go see a professional first, and he agreed. Now, don't get me wrong, i completely understand the fact that they are looking out for me here and want the best for me by wanting me to see a professional first. I also know that they don't fully understand what I'm telling them when I say I'm going to transition. But i do believe the way they went about this next part is very wrong, and id like some opinions or advice on how i can explain my feelings about the matter better. I explained again that id been thinking, researching, waiting for 3 years, that its time sensitive, etc. but i just couldn't get my point across again. Now, them both being there they fed off each other and the disagreement slowly turned into my father saying "if you go and make that decision (starting hormones) without taking our advice and talking to someone i will no longer financially support you at all and you'll have to leave my house" Which with my current job basically means I'm homeless unless i can find someone to rent me a room. Meaning I cant start HRT safely until I have a better job or have gone to an unspecified amount of therapy sessions. I got really mad here regrettably and we argued back and forth for about half an hour, but eventually i told them i was leaving and walked off to my room without another word. It started really good and ended really bad. But yeah, i guess coming out overall was fine and I'm loved still. I just have no idea how to approach this weird and in my eyes, abusive ultimatum they've presented me with. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any advice you all might have. ❤️

Sorry if this is written sloppily... I kinda just word vomited until id said everything i wanted to say :3