I’m tired

I have been on antidepressants for almost two years and a period of 9 months of depressive episodes prior to it and in the last year I started to fell better so with the doctor approval I was completely off medication for about two and a half months
But the last two weeks were hell , I started having symptoms and I kept pushing it down and gaslighting myself but today, I’m tired I’m scared I want out
It’s been there years now and I’m not saying that it was all bad but it had the ups and downs and to be honest it been three years since I felt like my self and I feel like I have lost the sense of who I am