i hate you so much that i love you

i’m hoping that i’ll get over you soon, for you are the worst thing to ever happen to me. i wish i had fallen for anyone else, in that case i wouldn’t have had to flip flop around your emotions and deal with your antics. yes you are smarter than me and play the social game better. yes i have fallen for it countless times. yes i have hoped and wished i would be an exception. watching myself type this, i feel an inexplicable sense of shame. how could i let myself fall for this? it is almost foolery in a sense. anyone else with their eyes wide open in this situation would have understood to pull away when you ignored me to test my emotional dependence, repeatedly showed me you were someone i couldn’t trust and putting the fear of god in me everytime. i hate you for those things and words cannot explain it. i know you are suffering from apathy, avoidant-attachment and all these other issues. and i would be fine with it, if you would just TALK to me about them. i have nothing against you, if it hadn’t been for the fact that you are allergic to communicating anything. no, i know i’m not entitled to your inner life but in that case you need to accept that i will pull away when you keep creating the illusion of a deep and visceral connection. i’m not delusional when i saw those videos, extremely targetted reposts and that favorites collection. i’m also not delusional when you wouldn’t give me a proper answer, clear yes or no or even a simple EXPLANATION of your thoughts after i confessed. i know it is hypocritical, for in my confession i clearly stated that it was to move on and i did assume you didn’t like me. but you would never confirm nor deny it and it leads me to feel like you don’t care about me as a human being at all. you like to play with your food before you eat it or toss it away or whatever you do with your food. as corny as that analogy sounds. and then having the nerve to ask me if you had done anything to me. in any other situation, if i knew you had morals, i would have told you everything. but you make me feel unsafe. i’m scared to death that you’ll use it against me. as much as you try to feign normalcy again, i can’t handle it. because i still love you. so please, i beg of you with everything i can gather, ignore me first, distance yourself from me, stop talking to me, make me feel bad or in fact just tell me outright that you hate me. what i can’t handle is if all my feelings that i have, wether it is love or hate, is one-sided and that all in all, you truly feel nothing towards me. that would be my greatest sorrow.