Anyone else only express what they're actually feeling or become illegible?

Illegible in this case masking. My former neuroaffirming NT therapist told me 'neurotypical people are not fooled with masking, they feel it's an act'. She then went on to explain, that they don't know why you're doing it, it being putting on an act (I'm autistic, some people act when they lie or nerves) but they still know it's an act.

Neurotypical people act when they meet people too, but as trust grows, they start to drop the mask. I may drop it, but probably not. This mask was custom designed for this person with everything I know and know about them. This mask is sealed to my face 👀. So they keep their mask on too. They think 'well they're either a liar (for acting) or they don't feel trust with me either. No intimacy develops.

This is just one scenario.

The other one where I drop the mask or I'm overcome with emotion and it slips. Ooooh that can go either way. If I'm genuinely enjoying myself. There's no act. I'm overcome with joy. You can hear it in my voice, and everyone loves my laugh. It's a belly laugh. Or I'm upset, yeah, that one. The ruiner of long term friendship likes to come out sometimes. Except for me (and maybe for you) my awareness of *my* behavior drops. Do you know if you don't know you're saying it, but you feel incredibly upset with this person in front of you right now, that I lose complete awareness there's a person or I'm saying this thing, that might just be the most hurtful thing I can think of. It's like a blackout. Is that a meltdown? Do you lose all self awareness in a meltdown? I also have ADHD so maybe that plays a factor.

How do you apologize when you don't know what you did? When you can't have remorse for it because you don't carry it? You want to be accountable but don't know how.

If this sounds like you, you get me. If not, please stop reading and don't comment.

I'm saying this on the off chance someone gets it and can be helped by what I'm trying and I truly hope you'll share your similar experience.

But what's working for me is, not masking for public consumption and unmasking in front of the people it's safe to unmask with. They know my heart and love me, for who I am, but hated my old behavior when the meltdown happened.

They see me *trying* they hear me say sorry and thank you. Because I can express enjoying I can express remorse and gratitude.

If you can't connect to your emotion and you haven't tried unmasking, please give it a try in safe places and turn down the volume of attention on others. When you mask for someone, you pay a lot of attention to them. Is the mask working? You adjust it to fit what they like more. They can walk in to a room and alter who you are in an instant. Why the hell do we wonder why we can handle one on one but not groups? You can't mask for that many people. Monotropism. Popular neurotypicals can,, it's pretty close to the depth they feel in large social settings. Masking is work, because we altered who we are. They just modify their behavior.