My moms sadism made me weird

Growing up, I was exposed to a lot of fear-based stimulation that was meant as humor, but my body didn’t process it that way. It created a pattern where intensity, adrenaline, and closeness got wired together. I was the only one in my family who went to a very serious, private Catholic school long-term. My brother only went briefly, and everyone else went to public school, so I always felt a bit singled out or different because of that.
At the same time, my mom and her sister used to love scaring me, using things like demon talk or ghosts coming to get me, jump scares, or making me look at things that scared me. It was treated like a joke, but it didn’t feel like that in my body, especially given the religious environment I was already in. Don’t get me wrong though, my mom was also very affectionate and a hardworking parent, and I got a lot of love and attention. But there was always this other side of her, she’s always been drawn to darker, scary themes, she watches horror movies to fall asleep, volunteers at haunted houses on her free time and Halloween is her favorite holiday that she throws a party for every year and that showed up in how she interacted with me.
Looking back, I think that my mom and my aunt constantly scaring me when I got home from school wired my nervous system in a way that carried into my relationships and sex life. My mom has come out and said that she thinks of herself as a sadist with boundaries. Im now trying to learn how to respond to intensity, pressure, and the pleasure I feel after being scared by someone I love/care about. I know it sounds weird but it took this long for me to be aware of why I act the way I do and I’m learning how to navigate it as a 24 year old woman.