How low self-esteem plagues BDSM

Power dynamics, beautiful aren’t they? It is just human nature: someone on top, someone else down. To me, all that has always, always felt so natural, so clear. Then I woke up, touched the grass, and saw reality: people who consider themselves “pathetic pigs,” people who are terrified that their lives will be destroyed if things come out, and tons who live it in a pathological way. Why?! Just why? I can understand it from some who have a degradation kink, but hell no, this is way more extensive. And it regards Doms too.

Why do people who have power dynamics tend to have such low self-esteem? Is it just my opinion? Is there data about it? And if so, what does it say? Well, welcome to “how low self-esteem plagues BDSM,” and how we shall solve it.

Research such as “Childhood Trauma, BDSM, and Self-Esteem: An Exploration of the Impact of Childhood Trauma on Sexual” shows that the self-esteem of BDSM practitioners who didn’t have any trauma is… normal? Well, let’s do some cherry-picking; this study will surely prove me right: “Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners.” Oh, how sad, even here they report high well-being. Am I wrong? Just kidding, I can’t be wrong. Let’s analyze the data of these studies deeply: Self-esteem is reported as higher than average, and we show lower rejection sensitivity. No significant correlation has been found between past abuse and BDSM activities; even attachment styles are found to be more secure.

Wonderful, isn’t it? Something to be proud of, I’d say! Let’s tell that to everyone! We do practice BDSM! Our well-being is so high! ¿? Why are you making that face? Aren’t you proud? Wait?! Are you scared of telling others? But y-your low-rejection sensitivity says that… What? I wasn’t blackmailing you, please don’t call the police.

Kidding aside, BDSM practitioners have to reckon with society's judgments; this filters, in principle, those who are brave enough to participate in BDSM activities. Between moralizing social constructs, the fear of others’ judgment, and the threat of life-altering repercussions, the pressure is immense. But that hypocrisy? Pathologizing BDSM is childish, that’s for certain; still, far too often, I see people doing the exact opposite. It is not a therapy. It doesn’t have proven causal psychological benefits. And as noble as standing against social stigma can be, it does have consequences, and negative ones.

Studies like “Perceptions of and stigma toward BDSM practitioners” show how stigma is even higher than for some LGBTQ+ groups. The public misinterpretation of media portrayals is terrible: 33% of practitioners feel they must keep their practices secret, 86% of people agree with at least one stigmatizing phrase, and the pathology narrative is still ongoing.

And that 86 percent includes BDSM practitioners. The study makes this clear.

More self-esteem, you say? Less rejection sensitivity, you say?

Do we talk about the same community? Do we have the same context?

From what I have seen, the BDSM community is very split: one side is populated by beginners and people who just want to have fun, the other by hyper-super-ultra professional healthy consent expert managers who do care and are serious.

Have you ever seen a beginners' space? The femdom-findom drama? The tons of low-effort domination to get some easy NSFW content? The blackmail chaos? Oh, I’m pretty sure you know what I am talking about if you know the underbelly of BDSM.

Or maybe, maybe you are from the other side; maybe you closed yourself in an intellectual ivory tower with a few subs and doms “with a level head.”

The first group, the underbelly/beginner one, of course, can be healthy. You don’t necessarily need life dedication to do BDSM. Yet we know what usually happens to these people. I have met a ton who felt worthless, tons who were cheating, tons who talked about things like “findom addiction.” Blackmail messes, couples' drama, unstable couples.

Then we have the second, serious group, those with experience who take things seriously. They know SCP and FNAF.

Their talks are like: “In my healthy dynamic with my consensual play-partner, I had a consensual play during a BDSM play scene; of course we both agreed throughout the entire duration of the act—a consensual act, I recall.” Normal people don’t do that every time they have sex.

Of course I am dramatizing, but I want to express my astonishment when I see the attempt to therapize or to put all the evident troubles and contradictions of our community in a bin.

I do see tons of low esteem and neglect; it is not a fault, it is not being sick, it is mostly due to society. Still, why do you scream that it is all okay? I do believe there is tons of internalized stigma; it is only natural considering the context. I do believe that BDSM lives in need of justifying its existence, both through hiding or through hyper-formalization. Of course we are capable of genuine, transparent things. Of course hyper-formalizing or hiding doesn’t invalidate us. >!Do you know the reason for these “of courses”?!< >!Because otherwise you would think badly; you would think I am judging you.!<

Yet that doesn’t mean we have to be fine with that situation. Telling us everything is fine won’t improve our situation. It won’t make society accept us. We should expose ourselves and fight for our rights.

I am sure that at least the vast majority of the shit in our community is due to people dissociating BDSM from “real life” and/or having very low self-esteem regarding what they are doing. Solving this won’t mean destroying privacy or outing everyone, but only increasing everyone's self-opinion.

And, talking of stigma, by publishing this, I shall say goodbye to tons of subreddits who forbid accounts with “NSFW” history. Goodbye; y’all would have banned me regardless due to my aura. >!I’m way superior after all.!<