2 Months of no porn/masturbation

I started focusing on self-improvement about two years ago. Over that time, I’ve been consistent in the gym (about a year and a half now) and gained around 20 pounds of lean mass, and I’ve also improved things like my skincare and overall habits.

About two months ago, I decided to quit porn and masturbation because I realized I was using them as a way to cope with stress and loneliness. Since then, I’ve noticed some positives. I feel more confident, I’m less anxious around people, and I’m better at small interactions in public.

But at the same time, I’ve been dealing with something I didn’t expect. I feel a much stronger sense of loneliness and isolation, especially when it comes to relationships. Before, I think porn and masturbation were giving me a fake sense of comfort or connection, and now that I’ve stopped, I feel like I’m facing that emptiness more directly.

Even though I’m trying to talk to people more and put myself out there (I have friends who have helped me through mental struggles), I still feel disconnected, and it’s been affecting my mental health in a pretty heavy way lately. I've been developing suicidal thoughts lately, and it's made my problems with loneliness worse than when it started. I even planned out taking my own life recently, and this post was meant to help me seek some kind of help since I've tried other ways to try and get help, which failed.

I’ve also been worried about the idea of going back to masturbation at all. Part of me feels like if I do, I might fall back into porn and the addiction cycle again, since they were always linked for me in the past. That fear has made me hesitant even to consider it as an option.

I want to keep improving myself, develop a real relationship with a woman that I will love, and stay away from porn as a coping mechanism, but I’m not sure how to deal with this loneliness in a healthy way or how to handle the fear of relapse.