Ultra tamil toxic trauma

⛓️ The Roots: A Forced Foundation

..ennaku edhachum advice podunga illati unakku mattum illa idhu normal dhaan nu sollunga.

Basically enga appa and amma got forcefully married (rendu peru family um morattu primitive thought ulla people).

Both hated each for their physical looks.

But anyways was forced cause father thought he would childless ..so he thought he could use my financially well off mom dowry and progress his sister and brother family standard.

Even though my mom didn't want to have kids ..she had me ...because her sister was childless for few years .. hence her side of family threatened my mom to have kid asap.

🏠 A Life of Manipulation & Control

My mom was a free spirited person ..who wanted to work more have fun more ,learn more ..and be financially independent Initially. But my father,his mom ,my mom's family everyone forced her to childbear and rear ..and to manipulate her they said like "veetlaiye nee jammunu pullaiya paathutu iru" in her prime years denying her to work or learn.

And she was the third born child ,she has 2 sisters before her and one younger brother.and by default she was least favourite in her family , attention and love deprived,and belittled and ridiculed. Hence her only hope in life was to either be loved and to love my dad somehow later in life ...or to atleast be provided chance to stand on her own ...

But my dad with the immature mindset Abt life anol ..treated my mom just as a tool for pleasure whenever he wanted ,to take cook ,clean ,child bear n rear for him, and to respect and love him unconditionally infact worship him. 🛐

💔 The "Prize Child" Burden

So when she had me a girl child ..he was disappointed and shocked that he had to provide for 2 now ...later he used me as excuse to take money from her ,beat her up ,humiliate her.

And she will shower me with excess love and care ...and treated me a doll and her entire world revolved around me ..I was her prize child. So whenever, my grades slipped or I failed to achieve her excepctations I saw hell. Public humiliations constant yelling until he either give her attention again or I give it to her saying it's my fault and reassure her. 📢

💸 Financial Chaos & Broken Trust

My sister was born 7 yrs later unplanned for ..and itwas too late to abort. Meanwhile ...my father became filthy rich ...and spent everything on his sisters family not a single saving ...in hopes that her kids will love him more than us ..and since we are female children ultimately we r useless and someother guy only will be benefited by us. 📉

In this chaos me somehow managed to study and was forced in medicine ,...went abroad ,and now back in india struggling to study for fmge. Yes...me being super vulnerable was cheated in name of love ..and had my trust broken. Meanwhile my father swindled away all the assets for his stupid financial decisions taken in alcoholic state ..always he is super egostic and falls his friends stupid schemes.

🌪️ The Sister’s Struggle & The Current Nightmare

My sister also was tortured by my parents fight everyday during my absence forcing her to be the adult from 9th class...looking after family finances and paying bills...and expected to pacify both parents emotional needs and escape to all problems. Hence she could clear neet in first attempt or she couldn't get better marks at boards ..again she took a gap year. 🏚️

Now my mom has turned into this yelling machine who takes out her frustration with father on us all the time ...while my father triggers her and keeps quiet ...

Ennaku therila enna panradhu nu ...veetla irundhu padika vidala ...I'm not allowed to step out of home or have any friends all of my friends have been humiliated and abused on their face ...now I don't hv anyone ...and friends who stayed got tired of my rant and since this was my only identity they get tired and would leave eventually..yet I somehow should know solutions for all my parent's emotional and financial problems solution without socialising. 🚫

⚠️ Domestic Horror

I have seen things which no one should have, I have been put through so much in life since childhood......I have begged them to get divorce for 15 years. I hv heard my dad forcing his way with mom. I have seen them hitting and throwing things at each other and choking n stabbing.. yet these both ppl r adamant to stay in this marriage. 😭😭😭😭

🕸️ A Future Held Hostage

I'm 25 now ...still I can't see a way out of this miserable life. Nor can I put any end to this. My mom thrives on me looking miserable so that I would depend on her to find someone for me .., she wants to move out with me as soon as I earn ..n I should provide for her all the while she taking all decisions...the guy I marry will be chosen by her wish it seems. And he should be her yesman it seems. And all money I earn should be given in her hands and she will manage everything. 💰⚖️

Moreover both my parents are superstitious idiots ...mom more than dad ...and neengalam namba maateenga how much hindu religion and casteism have affected my life .. literally believe rituals will change her husband this woman starved herself for initial 10 years ..everyday and sugar maxxed on night and got diabetes ...and she has starved me n my sister of food in most mornings telling that god will bless us for fasting. It's always the god and the karma and the satan. 🔱

She had always idolized Brahmins ....and hence she demonized eggs and meat altogether. She sees meat as satan 's temptation money and shames us for choosing it (but she is the one getting affected more because of muscle wasting and weakness). She never takes care of her body never eats medication or proper food ..always sweet and fried stuff. And always she gets active in middle of night and powertrips us to clean room at 12 am. 🕛

How I breathe ,dress,eat,whom I might potentially mate ..she wants to decide them all. I m unable to hate her completely or hit her back at the same time. She also threatens with sooizide or going to a ashram and swindling money if I take any action towards leaving house. And she has told so many times that idgaf whether me or my sister studies or not ....while she is in emotional pain.

🎭 The Father's Mind Games

Now my father is sweet talking to us ,and silently he would trigger mom by mocking her. Since the day his sisters children have settled he refuses to work n earn money. He always pushes us on dangerous situations. He just wants me ,my sister to earn n provide him a luxurious life ...or we should run away with someone asap n reduce his burden. And my mom to die so that he can live carefree ..but whenever I ask him this he just burst out in tears and threatens with sooizide. 🎭

🌫️ The Toll: Feeling Hopeless

I feel suffocated now ..my sister and my future seems hopeless. I just feel like if I disappear from the world right now it will be painless.. Both of them never let us kids laugh or smile or enjoy movies or anything all our life telling that it's for ppl who achieved everything in life ..ie only when I get married I'm a complete human being ..and then I can enjoy life. 🌫️

As a result of all this ..I am forgetting whatever I'm studying ..I'm forgetting everyday things ..I gained weight ,I binge eat...I feel psychotic...I feel less and less empathetic..I couldn't trust anyone anymore ..I am lacking self-confidence ,..I'm not doing selfcare ..basic hygiene things ..I just want to bedrot everyday. And seeing the world and india news I just don't feel hopeful towards a happier tomorrow. I don't want to reach to new ppl because I fear I might be a burden to them...its just like what's the point

So yup ..forgive me it's long I just vented out whatever came to my mind ..comment your thoughts .thanks in advance .