i don’t want help

a few years ago i had really bad body dysmorphia which led me to some messed up routines. my whole thing then was that i didn’t want to tell anybody because i didn’t want help. i didn’t want to stop, i wanted to keep doing what i was doing.

similarly, right now, i know that i should get help with my ocd, but i don’t really want it. i feel like my ocd is keeping me safe and i don’t want to live without the feeling of my routines as a result of my themes. i also will look on other people’s experiences and think, “well mine isn’t that bad, so i don’t need help” which sounds so mean. i just don’t want to be fixed because i think it’s beneficial to me. i know thats messed up but i don’t know what else to do