Sex is the only way I feel chosen and it's making me fear for my relationship.

TW: sexual assault, cheating

My first boyfriend back in high school (I was 15 when we got together, now I am 19) cheated on me a multitude of times. He would call other women hot and pretty right in front of me, talk about everything his ex ever did, text girls while we were cuddling, go have sex with them while I worked, etc. etc.

I basically only had his full attention when we had sex, most of which happened in the blurred lines of coercion. Safe to say it was a terrible relationship, and destroyed my trust in men. I only stayed because my family life was terrible, and my friend group was through him. Without him, I would have been alone again, and for some reason that felt like the worse option at the time. I finally broke up with him after 2 years.

I'm with my second boyfriend now. We have been together for around 6 months, he having lived with his ex prior to us getting together. Some of his ex's old stuff was still at his place, but he threw it out eventually.

I think my old relationship bleeds into my new one, as I can't stop thinking about the evidence of another girl in his house. The old stuff gave me the same feeling as finding other girls on my ex's phone. I have never once questioned my current BFs loyalty, and trust him enough to know my brain is making up these ideas.

Although he hates his ex, nothing my BF says helps in the Retroactive Jealousy. I mention all of this to say a part of my irrational, compulsive brain says that "those items meant he chose her over me". This part of me is only ever satiated by sex, and I hate it.

I like sex, don't get me wrong, but if we don't have sex consistently, within a certain period of time, I have this uneasy feeling that grows in me. It keeps telling me he doesn't love me anymore, because he doesn't beg for sex and push my boundaries. Any sort of made-up evidence of sexual desire not pointed towards me (I.e. the thought of him watching porn or seeing hot girls online) feels like rejection and betrayal.

I've recently realized that feeling was probably because I only ever had confirmed, "real" romantic love when I had sex, but any other time was up for debate whether I really had my ex to myself. It feels like I need constant sexualized attention, or else his love is just a cover-up to hide that he wants to fuck other women, and that he doesn't find me as attractive as someone like his ex. Sex is the only concrete validation for my brain, but it only lasts as long as he actively shows he wants sex.

I want to send him nudes and I want him to respond sexually because then I'll know that he "truly loves me." I know this isn't reality, and the logical side of me has evidence to prove he likes me, and only me, but that doesn't matter in the face of an illogical idea.

I'm dating a very sweet, caring boy, and I don't want to ruin this by my constant need for validation and security. Although this realization has helped me find the "explanation" to the problem, I still feel lost on solving it. I don't want to push my issues onto him, but I can feel it seep in every day.

I feel that by choosing a bad guy in a bad situation when I was young, I've royally fucked up any relationship I'll have for the rest of my life. It's so frustrating to see the way out, to know what I would have to think like and act like, but knowing it's locked behind a mountain of rewiring my brain.